The end of the journey is very near!

I am nearly finished with Radiotherapy now, a complete walk in the park compared to chemo!

Side effects were mainly tiredness and some redness of skin and a bit sore, mostly having to go every week day is the worst part about it, so can't complain

I have very fair skin so i really thought i would burn a lot but hardly did at all

I am at a weird stage now, it seems like a hundred years ago this all started, i can't quiet believe that as of Friday it will be done! It's all a bit of a blur really

Last July my world crashed in around me and i thought 'fuck i am going to die'!

I still ponder on those thoughts, i look at everything so differently now, i do stop and smell the roses, i look at every sky with a new set of eyes, wondering how many more i will see, hopefully shitloads of them!

I have had some people drift away and hide from it all, but i have gained so many more friends in the process. People who just met me when it all happened or knew but still stood there with me anyhow. These people who just done random things, like msg'ing me every other day to just ask how i was, who sent me cards out of the blue, who rang me just to see how i was going, they are the people who kept me putting on foot in front of the other, when i thought it was all too hard these people reminded me how strong i was and told me to keep going, i will be forever grateful for that :)

I am now such a different person from when i started all this but yet the same if that makes any sense, i just feel so unsettled, i just don't really know where to go from here? forward would be a good start i guess

I have tried to mentally prepare myself for the break from all this treatment, to accept that i have to try and move on and let it go and not let the thoughts of what if? overwhelm me

The Oncologist told me that i would probably have a grieving period after it all because it has been such a huge journey and then it just suddenly ends and there is nowhere to be or someone to see anymore and its a long time before you see anyone again, i am not sure how i feel about that really

I can accept though that i have done everything medically possible that is available to me today, i can do no more, i can just hope

Someone had a msg on facebook asking what does hope mean to you? i really don't get the question and i really don't know an answer to it, its irking me!

I went to see the genetic testing lady at hospital, from doing a family tree she has said that it's very unlikely that i would be positive for the breast cancer gene, which means it was probably environment, i still believe it's something you are born with, as in a fault, but just something they haven't found as yet. There are too many varied people out there who get cancer, some have a shit diet and some are elite athlete's, some smoke, some never have, it was just a shit cell that kept multiplying into more shit cells, i have so many questions but no answers as there really are none, just too many variables to think about!

Anyhow this is the last post here for me

thanks for reading and putting up with my crap spelling, swearing and terrible grammar!

onwards and upwards!!!

later

Done with chemo forever!!!

Havent posted in ages, just wanted to get it all done i think!

Well chemo was a nightmare but it's finally over, January 8th was a great day!!

I thought i would be really excited about it but i was just too tired and drained to care in the end, so i just had a quiet time afterwards, i am still a bit down and drained really, i am physically on the improve after the last batch but mentally i am exhausted!

I think the nurses were glad to see the back of me with my screaming and carrying on anyhow, so hopefully they all wished and prayed never to see me again, because i never want to see them again! well not in that room anyhow!

Taxol was slightly better than the a/c mix, i had terrible bones aches that lasted a few days, and a few other things but all up it was a different sort of shit really to the first one, not better or worse just different

I ended up losing some of my eyebrows and eyelashes but not all, so not enough for it to stand out heaps, as i have fair skin and lighter hair it wasnt that noticeable anyhow i dont think

I am now waiting for my hair to start growing back! i have strands here and there that seem to be staying but nothing at the roots of the hair yet, i just hope it grows fast! i am so over wigs and caps, i got hot flushes with taxol and its horrible, you feel like your internally burning up and with the wig or cap on its even worse, but i just couldnt go bald and still cant! although i found i was ripping the caps off while i was asleep then would wake up in a panic looking for it to put back on! sleep was crap too and still is! i am up until 4 am most days, so that is draining me as well

I went for my first radiotherapy appointment last week, he said i would get the stuff all set up on the 29th and then start probably mid feb, i am so glad for the break but at the same time i am a bit concerned re the break, but he said as long as its done within 8 week of chemo its ok, so i guess he knows what he is talking about

I dont know what to do with myself though, i am still getting body aches and stomach is still sore but generally i am feeling ok, so for the first time in ages i am at a loss as to what to do with myself, i can actually make plans!

My thoughts are in a dark place re the future though, i guess you have to contemplate the thought it might return, i try not to dwell there but i think with just being so damn tired and drained it puts you in that downer frame of mind, i used to look at my kids daily and i was always thankful for my health and theirs and now i look at them and think will i see you grow up? it sucks that this changed everything so much!

I am still thankful for things though, all the people who have been there no matter what, for my family who just dropped their life completely to support me through this, i am so lucky for that!

anyhow onwards and upwards from here i guess :)

I am halfway finally!!!

Bit of a delayed update but been a bit slack on keeping up on things

Anyhow i am officially half way through now, i was excited to go last week as it meant i was one step closer to this crap being over with! But now i am on a bit of a downer with it, the rest of it seems so far away until its finished as well! then radiotherapy to follow, but still it could be worse i guess

Side effects still suck but not as bad as first few rounds, i feel crap still but i think its just a crap i am getting used too

i am scared re the change over next week though, they assure me side effects are a lot better, but i am not convinced until i see for myself, i sure hope so though!

I have to wear ice gloves with the next four treatments of Taxol, to save my nails, i hope it works as i really like my nails, i have long nails and would like to keep them that way but again another we shall see, bad enough with no hair would suck to have shitty looking hands as well!

My eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning out now as well, so i gather they will go too. I will be the hairless and faceless woman, but it's not forever i guess

I am eating better this week at least, been having cravings so that helps, my body probably decide to crave things so i would eat, anyhow for the moment its bacon, really enjoyed it the other morning, now i want bacon with pancakes and maple syrup, mmmmm, might leave a note here and hope it appears tomorrow morning for me to heat up and eat

otherwise i am over it all in general but i get like that when i feel crap, just hanging for friday to get here so i start to improve again and can leave the house and do something, although it hasnt stopped raining here so feeling crap has worked in well with the weather at least

might try and sleep now, was supposed to go to bed ages ago but ended up stuffing about instead

Here we go again!!

I truly did live in hope that i would be ok this time, how delusional am i!
Someone just said to me "you're not delusional - you're obviously trying to stay in a positive frame of mind - and more power to you, you're not letting it ruin the GOOD times" and they are right! But atm i will have to read that back later as its not working, but was a good way for them to put it out there to make me think differently about it, if that makes any sense

I am in such a horrid angry mood, i just don't want anyone around me, i was tempted to break my mums fingers off when she clapped earlier, i just don't have any patience with anyone when i feel crap! anyhow i have decided to take a chill pill and hope that the anger and tension i feel right now subside a bit

I just want my life back!! I know i have so much to be thankful for, i am thankful for what i have every fucking day! how much more thankful can i be and still get dealt this bullshit???

anyhow hopefully next post isnt as crap as this one

later

What a nightmare this is!!

Tuesday it started to kick in properly as i expected, OMG to how bad it got though

my body was like an acid bath, even my nose burned, i woke up at 3am like i was having a heart attack, like a huge rubber band was around my heart constricting it, and the burning was unbelievable, plus my blood pressure goes so low that i am so dizzy, i can only walk a little bit then have to sit back down

i was supposed to be on tablets for the acid burn but they gave me a rash so couldnt take them, anyhow went to gp and he gave me some other type and they worked thankfully, i think he is worried i am going to take too many of the anxiety pills but i said to him even if i just take them for that week where i feel complete shit, surely my body cant get too used too them, dont need them otherwise

it took me 40mins to make a salad last night for dinner, had to sit down while cutting stuff, was so ridiculous!! i am usually not a get up and go type who is running around anyhow, but you sure realise how much you can normally do when you cant do it

otherwise i slept the whole night last night with no wakeups thankfully, mouth is still crappy but not as bad as last time so far, so i will live in hope the white cells start picking up and i will feel better in the next day or so

just so depressed that i have to keep going back when i know how bad its going to be, but now i have proper acid tablets hopefully next time the burning wont be so bad if i start taking them on the monday, but i think chemo is just more powerful than any tablet when it kicks in anyhow

No hair and feel crap!

Chopped the hair off over the weekend, it was falling out in clumps anyhow, its just really short atm, but the rest of it will go soon i guess

Chemo is kicking in now so feeling crappy, mouth is starting to go and going to have a hard time eating i think, which doesnt help much

otherwise felt ok over the weekend besides yesterday, went to shops and was exhausted, just cant do much at all without being exhausted really

anyhow hopefully only feel a bit off for a few days then ok again

the sleep caps i got are pretty crap, they slide off during the night and are hot anyhow, the wig is ok though and i am used too that

Kids are used to the scarfs already, well havent taken much notice really, so thats good anyhow, too hot too wear the wig around the house all day

till next time

Chemo Day

Was a busy day today, had blood test at 10.30 then had to wait around for 12pm appointment with oncologist, he was good and listened to all the side effects i had and altered drugs to hopefully stop them, we shall see

then i had to have thyroid scan, hoping nothing shows up on that, should know tomorrow if they sent it to my gp like i asked

Then they gave me chill pill earlier so i wouldnt freak out with drip going in, so that kicked in, it still sucked and i yelled out oww a bit but didnt scream like last time

i have a script of them now, so i can take them before i go so they kick in

so legally stoned at the moment, have to say my mind is reasonably blank lol, not even thinking about going to find kangeroos lol, like i wanted too last time

my hair is still steadly falling out, thought i was ready to shave it the minute it started, but i am not ready to do that, so will just let it go until clumps come out then shave it i think, my eyebrows look thinner today as well, so guess they will go too

who is going to check me out now? nonone! well only to feel sorry for me, guess i will get over it

Got a gift today of tyre caps, the things you screw on to cover where the air goes into a tyre, i have no idea what they are called lol, anyhow, they are pink ones and they look cute :) I had planned on pimping my car up so they will look good
thanks to the sender :)