The end of the journey is very near!

I am nearly finished with Radiotherapy now, a complete walk in the park compared to chemo!

Side effects were mainly tiredness and some redness of skin and a bit sore, mostly having to go every week day is the worst part about it, so can't complain

I have very fair skin so i really thought i would burn a lot but hardly did at all

I am at a weird stage now, it seems like a hundred years ago this all started, i can't quiet believe that as of Friday it will be done! It's all a bit of a blur really

Last July my world crashed in around me and i thought 'fuck i am going to die'!

I still ponder on those thoughts, i look at everything so differently now, i do stop and smell the roses, i look at every sky with a new set of eyes, wondering how many more i will see, hopefully shitloads of them!

I have had some people drift away and hide from it all, but i have gained so many more friends in the process. People who just met me when it all happened or knew but still stood there with me anyhow. These people who just done random things, like msg'ing me every other day to just ask how i was, who sent me cards out of the blue, who rang me just to see how i was going, they are the people who kept me putting on foot in front of the other, when i thought it was all too hard these people reminded me how strong i was and told me to keep going, i will be forever grateful for that :)

I am now such a different person from when i started all this but yet the same if that makes any sense, i just feel so unsettled, i just don't really know where to go from here? forward would be a good start i guess

I have tried to mentally prepare myself for the break from all this treatment, to accept that i have to try and move on and let it go and not let the thoughts of what if? overwhelm me

The Oncologist told me that i would probably have a grieving period after it all because it has been such a huge journey and then it just suddenly ends and there is nowhere to be or someone to see anymore and its a long time before you see anyone again, i am not sure how i feel about that really

I can accept though that i have done everything medically possible that is available to me today, i can do no more, i can just hope

Someone had a msg on facebook asking what does hope mean to you? i really don't get the question and i really don't know an answer to it, its irking me!

I went to see the genetic testing lady at hospital, from doing a family tree she has said that it's very unlikely that i would be positive for the breast cancer gene, which means it was probably environment, i still believe it's something you are born with, as in a fault, but just something they haven't found as yet. There are too many varied people out there who get cancer, some have a shit diet and some are elite athlete's, some smoke, some never have, it was just a shit cell that kept multiplying into more shit cells, i have so many questions but no answers as there really are none, just too many variables to think about!

Anyhow this is the last post here for me

thanks for reading and putting up with my crap spelling, swearing and terrible grammar!

onwards and upwards!!!

later

Done with chemo forever!!!

Havent posted in ages, just wanted to get it all done i think!

Well chemo was a nightmare but it's finally over, January 8th was a great day!!

I thought i would be really excited about it but i was just too tired and drained to care in the end, so i just had a quiet time afterwards, i am still a bit down and drained really, i am physically on the improve after the last batch but mentally i am exhausted!

I think the nurses were glad to see the back of me with my screaming and carrying on anyhow, so hopefully they all wished and prayed never to see me again, because i never want to see them again! well not in that room anyhow!

Taxol was slightly better than the a/c mix, i had terrible bones aches that lasted a few days, and a few other things but all up it was a different sort of shit really to the first one, not better or worse just different

I ended up losing some of my eyebrows and eyelashes but not all, so not enough for it to stand out heaps, as i have fair skin and lighter hair it wasnt that noticeable anyhow i dont think

I am now waiting for my hair to start growing back! i have strands here and there that seem to be staying but nothing at the roots of the hair yet, i just hope it grows fast! i am so over wigs and caps, i got hot flushes with taxol and its horrible, you feel like your internally burning up and with the wig or cap on its even worse, but i just couldnt go bald and still cant! although i found i was ripping the caps off while i was asleep then would wake up in a panic looking for it to put back on! sleep was crap too and still is! i am up until 4 am most days, so that is draining me as well

I went for my first radiotherapy appointment last week, he said i would get the stuff all set up on the 29th and then start probably mid feb, i am so glad for the break but at the same time i am a bit concerned re the break, but he said as long as its done within 8 week of chemo its ok, so i guess he knows what he is talking about

I dont know what to do with myself though, i am still getting body aches and stomach is still sore but generally i am feeling ok, so for the first time in ages i am at a loss as to what to do with myself, i can actually make plans!

My thoughts are in a dark place re the future though, i guess you have to contemplate the thought it might return, i try not to dwell there but i think with just being so damn tired and drained it puts you in that downer frame of mind, i used to look at my kids daily and i was always thankful for my health and theirs and now i look at them and think will i see you grow up? it sucks that this changed everything so much!

I am still thankful for things though, all the people who have been there no matter what, for my family who just dropped their life completely to support me through this, i am so lucky for that!

anyhow onwards and upwards from here i guess :)