The surgery

Got there at 10am and went to transit lounge, said at the time what a crock that was, naming something like that the transit lounge, I wasn’t going on a fancy trip lol

Anyhow waited and waited and waited!! Finally about 1.30pm got called in, parents left and then they got me to change into gown and funky operation boots and they give you a warmed up blanket, the other people from the other waiting room were in the new waiting room, we all refused to watch ready, steady cook and asked for it to be changed, by this point I would of taken a sandwich out of a little kids had if they walked by! I realised I would be shit at a 40 hour famine as well! Anyhow still waiting and waiting and about 5pm or something I got called for surgery, then I went to another waiting area, was used to the waiting by now though! I would gather that there was some emergencies that come in for it to take so long, anyhow finally it was my turn

They took me into the anenetheologists (crap spelling) room to be sedated, we talked about how I can’t have morphine and how I react a bit to it etc, anyhow then they gave me drip etc, didn’t hurt really, I told him he was good! Then they put a pretty pink hat on me, I said if I was at mcdonalds right now I would give Ronald mcdonald a run for his money!

Then into operating theatre, I remember them saying they were giving me stuff to make me sleepy and pain meds

Then I remember waking up gasping for breath, the girl was talking to me, she said I had reacted to the drugs and was not breathing while I was asleep, so they kept having to wake me up to get me to breath, they gave me morphine!! She said they could reverse it all but I would be in severe pain so was better for it to just work through my body, they gave me fluids in drip I guess as I had one later on me, my family had been ringing constantly but nobody could find out where I was, because I was still in recovery, I remember the girl saying to someone I can’t leave her, she needs to stay here while she is like this, then they took me up to a ward, I was in kids ward as there were no beds available, I heard them say to the staff there that they wanted to put me in a room near reception desk and I heard them say sleep apnea, they put me in the furthest room from the desk, yep thanks for that!

When I arrived my husband was there and I said how did you know I would be here? Doh lol

Anyhow I remember he said to me that he took our youngest son to docs because daycare thought he had foot and mouth something or other, I said fuck tell me about this later, he was fine anyhow and it was just a pimple and a scratch!

My husband offered to stay the night to watch me with my breathing when I said they put me so far away from the nurses, but I said to go home as he had to work in the morning

I had a lovely nurse in the end who ended up staying with me, I remember waking up gasping for breath, was scary! I yelled at lady across from me to shutup snoring lol, I said to nurse is that a man or a woman, why are they snoring so loud? Tell them to shutup lol, poor woman! Although she kept me up the next night as well and she couldn’t wait to tell me that I yelled out in my sleep, pfft for 5 mins compared to her snoring for hours lol

In the end they gave me a morphine tablet, I said to her it’s got morphine in it! But she said I would be fine, so I took that and got some sleep at about 1am or something, so was a huge day! They couldn’t turn my light off because they were monitoring me, so turns out I am allergic to intravenious morphine but can take it in tablet form

I remember too coming back to room and there was a huge bunch of flowers there, I asked the nurse is they were ugly and I was crying saying they are so ugly, we had a laugh the next day about it though, they were beautiful but for some reason I decided I hated them at the time

The next day I was ok, well a lot better than the night before, sore and nauseas the whole time

No pain really though, I have a big cut around right side and one sort of under my arm, but they are both numb so far, hope they stay that way for awhile

Anyhow that’s all I can think of for now, there is probably more but I cant type much more for now

forget to add that i find out on tuesday if they got it all, i hope so, if not then i go back for a mascetomy, if they got it all then chemo will be next, not sure when as yet, probably in the next month

also forgot to add, my 3 year old said did they get all the bad cells mum and leave the good ones there, i said yes i think so, he said good, was cute lol, he is a smart 3 year old

Happy Birthday to me!!

Well not that exciting lol, turning 36 not 5 i guess lol, but anyhow, got nice presents and a lovely card from husband and lots of online well wishes, so was nice

My Dad is better, although still mincing words a little and tablets are knocking him around, but hopefully he gets there soon, otherwise he is fine

Got my surgery time for Monday, well time i have to be there, at least its not 6.30am now, 10.30am instead, hope i dont have to wait around too long before op, going to be a shitty wait anyway i look at it

next time i post in here will be after op, mmm, not good, but has to be done, but realisitically after monday i will be cancer free, even though i have to have chemo etc just incase there is a dot they cant see. I could still have to have mascetomy if the margins around cancer cells are not clear, but will just have to deal with that if it happens, just hope i can get chicken fillet to lift breast up to still have same cleavage when dressed, i can handle that

not much else happening, hope that things just go well and my recovery is ok

A more upbeat update today!

My Dad had a stroke it seems, but his speech is fine again after they hit him with really strong meds, so hopefully it fixes what caused it

Got some money in to cover moving expenses, so yah to that, what a relief!!!

got heaps of packing and organising done today

my brothers gf come over and got stuck in as well, was so nice of her

got another gift as well today, a lovely card and a wish card, so thanks for that as well :)

had morning tea with a friend from a forum i go too and that was nice to just have a chat and get out of the house for a little while this morning

so all up a better day, just had to share that it aint all shit :)

Surgeon's appointment update

Well what a few days it has been, i have to think i have a curse on me or i have done something horrible to someone, i thought i was nice, but maybe not!

I will just list them in point form

*My Dad started slurring his speech and had to go to hospital, i rang and they were home!! i was so pissed off at my mum for not just not listening to him and ringing an ambulance, anyhow he has now been airlifted to a major hospital and is having tests, so far they think he had a bleed in his brain due to an irregular heart beat in his upper heart chamber, i am just praying that he gets well with medication. I do believe it was stress that caused it though, worrying himself sick over me, holds it all in! I just don't want him to die! He just can't, not for a long while yet!!

*Husband put his tax in and we owe 3000 dollars!!! argh, so no money to move house with, well hopefully will soon, but i was hoping to get even a little back

*I have to pack up most of my house by Sunday as i won't be able to do jack shit after the operation for awhile

*I picked up my 3 year old from daycare and the teacher says he has a rash, i presume a bum rash or something, she pulls his pants down and he has a rash that looks like severe sunburn from his underwear line down to his thighs! she said we tried to call you, i said did you try my mobile? no! i said fuck! and said after my day this is all i need and walked out, but i am going to complain and get them to take my friggin home number off the contacts all together, i was really annoyed as this is the second time they have not tried to contact any other numbers

Medical Stuff:
Went for pre admission appointment, was again pretty well on time and not too bad, i seen about 5 people, a nurse, anesthesiologist, pharmacist, junior doctor from surgeons team and had to have a blood test

They were all pretty good, mainly they all just check and double check what medication you take and then talk about what will happen with surgery etc

was a bit annoyed as the junior doctor wanted to look at lump and i mentioned it was very sore, he said usually if they are sore they are benign, so for a second he gave me false hope, then i got back to reality and thought i will go with the pathology results i think! he really shouldnt of said that to me though

Anyhow between appointments was when i sorted my parents out to go to hospital over the phone, so i was worried sick about my Dad and worried sick i would go to next appointment with surgeons team and find out something bad! was a horrible time

Anyhow the appointment was ok, they found a small cyst on my liver, the doctor seemed confident that is all it was. Also found a small cyst on my thyroid, she decided to send me for an ultrasound for that one, but she said no rush, so i didn't rush, haven't had it yet

i mentioned all that had happened to me and family and she agreed i had a curse on me lol, thanks Doc

I mentioned about moving, last time i went there they said i would fine, this time she said no there is no way you could help, argh!!

So i am stressing about my Dad, my operation, My mum who is in the middle of us both dealing with it, packing up most of the house in days, going to look for houses while in recovery, applying for them etc, and just generally stressing about everything atm, it sucks

but i am still laughing each day and keeping some positives in there, it cant all be negative, its just not me, although i am starting to sound very negative with what i post, but i guess i am entitled to them feelings

anyhow just in a somber mode, so scared of this operation, and all the things that will come after it

anyhow will update before operation, not sure how i will go typing after op, we shall see, i hope i can type, how else can i vent and not go mental, will have to ring people instead lol, watch out!!

A tiring weekend!

Ended up bringing my birthday a week forward and ended up having a huge weekend, so glad i didnt do it next weekend pre surgery, so will just have a quiet night for my birthday

Got more gifts again today, still can't believe it when i get stuff, its so lovely that people all over Australia are still thinking of me each day

I have been worried about tomorrow's sugeons appointment, but trying not to think about it too much, i have been ok over weekend due to drinking or being hungover lol, but today my stomach has that scared sinking feeling, starting to worry now its closer

I am so hoping that its only in them two spots, actually i am relying on it very heavily, i don't know how i will cope if there is more somewhere else, my mind can only take so much of this shit!

overall i am good though, at least i am only freaking out mostly the day before stuff, i am trying very hard not to obsess over it, but i think i will tonight as it becomes even closer

Keep thinking this time next week i will be in hospital recovering from the op and then the rest begins

Seems like it was a few years ago when i last seen surgeon, it was only 2 weeks ago, time has gone all weird on me

I am pretty bitter about the chance that i will never have kids again, can't really let that go, i know what i have, but i am just angry that my choice may get taken away for good, its not fair at all! Even if i was not having anymore, at least in the back of my mind i usually would know that well if i changed my mind that option is there, anyhow i will ask them more about what will happen tomorrow re that, i will probably freak husband out, but too bad, its my body not his that its happening too

Things going through my mind lately are:

Is having all this after treament (ie Chemo etc) an overkill?
If they get clear margins then why do i need to go through it all?
What would happen if i didnt have further treatment?
Would it come back more agressively?

At the end of the day i will do it all, but i have to think about it all and ask the questions why? it makes me feel more empowered about what is happening if i have all the information telling me why i should do this or that

I was reading a study last night, it said they studied so many woman for 5 years and those who ate a good diet full of fruit and vegetables had a much lower rate of reoccurance, so i am thinking a whole diet change sure can't hurt

I still won't accept that this was sent me to make stronger or wake me up or whatever, fuck that i say, i was happy being me, was grateful every morning when i opened my eyes for my family and its health, so its bullshit really!

Trying so hard today to see the positives in life!!

I am usually a pretty positive type of person, i have my days where i think argh but usually i can find something to bring me back up

But today it was yet another thing to add to my list of crap, a big tax debt!

I am thinking what have i done? why all this crap at once

Breast cancer, having to move and a big tax debt, argh

Usually pre all this shit i could think oh well things could be worse, but i can't think of how it could get much worse at the moment, god i hope it doesn't!

anyhow on to my positive thoughts

I could be nearly over this crap by xmas or just after and we all know how fast xmas creeps up on us, so that is a good thing

My children are healthy and happy, well most of the time, my poor little 1 year old had to get stitches yesterday, he had a fall at daycare and split his skin just above his lip, was gaping a bit so doc said he needed stitches, he screamed and screamed, but the doctor was fast and said he should just get a thin scar now

I have a great support network around me, people who are willing to put their life on hold along with me to get this done!

I got more gifts again today as well, so lovely that people are still thinking of me and sending stuff, so again something to be thankful for

so i guess even if it all feels like shit right now, it could actually be worse

just self talking here to get myself over it all

Ok back to medical crap

had bone scan yesterday, went ok, just had to have needle to put some stuff in to cling to bones so they showed up clear, she was really good at it and it didnt actually hurt, woohoo, actually i was told to wiggle my toes to take my mind of it, but i was trying to wiggle my toes but i had high shoes on and they were tight around toes so i was trying to wiggle them in them shoes, was kinda funny at the time

anyhow i had to go away for 2 hours to let that stuff work, then the scan itself was kinda like CT scan but this one comes up so close to your face, i had to close my eyes as it makes you feel weird, anyhow that takes 14 mins, watching the timer doesnt make it go any faster i found though lol

then after that they put me in for a full chest scan, so the machine spins around you for 14 mins, was a bit weird as well but nothing major

anyhow i was kinda glad they didnt focus on any other major body parts, as i thought if they focus too much on things then i would of worried more

so now its a matter of trying to keep busy and not think too much about the 22nd appointments, i highly doubt i would be able to find out results beforehand anyhow, i think they are sending them to my gp as well but wouldnt make much difference if i know beforehand anyhow, i keep thinking they have scheduled surgery already and i am sure they would of changed it if there was more to do?

anyhow i am going out this weekend for my birthday night bought forward and someones going away drinks, so hopefully that will go well and i can have a good night

have so much to do before the surgery date, have to try and pack up anything we arent using so its not all too much come moving time

so will be busy busy busy i guess

Forgot to add, i did ring cancer council after last post, she was nice, but maybe gave me a little bit too much info to obsess over! found out i have to have radiotherapy over and hour away, that sucks, but since then i have found that they pay for your petrol and help with parking costs, so i guess its not so bad, long journey for a short treatment though, but i guess its a break from kids everyday for 3 -4 hours for about 5 or so weeks, will be quiet in car lol

How can i have cancer when i feel so normal?

It's such a surreal feeling, your sick on the inside, mainly in your mind, dealing with this crap, but otherwise noone can tell

I noticed at daycare that the teacher is not talking to me, she is usually all over me chatting, she avoids me now, maybe she is just shocked, i don't know, it's a bit weird, but i guess everyone deals with things differently

I am going to start packing up the house with things we can live without before surgery date, might help later down the track

I hope my past with recovery comes into play after op, i usually bounce back, but i had open surgery for gall bladder years ago and referred pain is the worst pain i have ever felt in my life, even tops my first very traumatic birth, they assure me i won't get it this time as its only through skin not muscle, if anyone did get it then i do not want to know about it thanks!

I am still trying to ring the breast cancer place, i have so many questions to ask, but i still can't make that call, very hard to say it out loud still

You know i feel my subconscious knew this was going to happen, when i went back on pill weeks before lump appeared i read the paperwork with it, which i never do, and i even said to husband, i am not sure about taking this, it really increases your risk of breast cancer, so wish i listened to myself back then, might not be dealing with this all right now, and just other little things that i remember, it was like i was getting warned about it, maybe i watch oprah too much lol

Forgot to say yesterday, when husband was reading the hospital date letter his hands were shaking, it's really scaring the crap out out of him, he has been so cranky with kids, i said to him the other day when he was carrying on 'You need to calm down, It's not their fault!' he said they had a knife they got out of draw, i said 'I mean in general, it's not their fault!', he seems to of calmed down after that, i know his stress levels are high but taking it out on kids won't help either

This crap does really happen to everyone, sure i have to go through the physical part of the journey and ponder my longevity in the world, but it affects everyone around me just as much as it affects me, like i have said it just scares the shit out of you all

I am so unmotivated with everything, it seems so surreal to just go on with your day, but i don't have much choice

I have been looking at wigs as i said, found one i like last night, and i figure if by some stroke of luck i dont need it, i can always resell it later, but sadly the odds of me not needing one are pretty low

Anyhow might go ring the cancer place while i am feeling brave and kids aren't about, then i can actually hear lol

I have a date for surgery

Recieved a lovely parcel of chocolate and a card and was smiling at that, then seen the letter from hospital, argh!

28th July is the day, i guessed it to be that date, so was right there, 2 days after my birthday, i guess at least my birthday was on a weekend this year so they couldn't get me in for that day!

My stomach just sunk, it's all so real now

Have a pre admission meeting on 22nd that will take 3 hours, then surgeon appointment same day in afternoon, busy day of hopefully hearing 'all is clear elsewhere', although i haven't even had bone scan yet, thats wednesday

I don't want to go on this ride at all!!

Argh to my mind!!!

It wont stop rolling things over and over, i know its probably completely normal but argh anyway

I am trying to get myself ready just in case i hear the words 'we found more' but i am playing a losing game there, no way on earth i could be ready to hear that, ever!!

I need to find a friggin hobby but nothing seems appealing at the moment, i love photography but lost interest in it, really need to get back into finding bugs and flowers, i think that might help me

I have so many things to be thankful for, a healthy family, this is not happening to one of my children, i have mountains of family and friends rallying around me, it sure does help, but my mind is still there in the background ticking away, thinking it all over

I was reading about chemo and how fast you can lose your hair if it happens, so going to sort out wigs soon, even if i dont lose my hair i will have a nice hairdo to put on if i have a bad hair day i guess, i just feel i need to get ready now and not later when i feeling shit and stressed about it all

We have a bloomhill cancer centre nearby me, i used to drive past it daily for the school run, anyhow i was on the website last night just having a look, and i read this comment 'I used to drive past there and think i must volunteer in there, but i had to go one better!'
I found that so amusing, actually the funniest thing i have read in awhile, i like their humour!

A quick update

Feeling pretty good, well as good as you can with having cancer, but i just can't stay negative and down, just not who i am

It's still all i think about when i am not thinking of something else, it's still scares the shit out of me, but thats normal

I come up with a saying for myself today 'As each day passes, it's one day closer to this shit being over with!'

I have so many thoughts running through my mind, my family being complete whether i like it or not, what if there is more, what if it takes a hold fast and there is no hope, all stupid stuff that i really have no control over, so i try to not dwell there too much

I do wonder how you move forward later though, but i am just overthinking it going to them thoughts, surely every headache would be brain tumour, every stomach ache would be cancer etc etc, but i guess with a positive mind and taking a bit of control they can be pushed aside

But anyhow i was walking around thinking omfg i have cancer, but last few days i have been thinking fuck cancer, it helps me!

I still can't quiet believe it though, even though i am teaching my mind to work it out somehow to move forward, its just surreal, i look fine, i dont look or feel sick at all, its the weirdest feeling!!

A mystery gift?

I received a very lovely hamper just before with coke and heaps of snacks, is very nice, but i have no idea who sent it, says in card no message supplied, so i gather it was meant to anon?

anyhow i just presume it was from someone online

If so thankyou very much, i finally have something else to obsess over for awhile, who sent the mystery hamper lol

Just while on the subject, i have recieved so many things from people all over Australia, i don't expect a thing from anyone so its been a bit weird accepting things, but it is a great feeling to know so many from all walks of life and places are thinking and care about me :) so thankyou all :)

Now off to hunt for the mystery sender

Update: Thankyou to my hamper sender, found out who they were :)

A good day, woohoo!!!

Didn't think i would have one for a long while but today i did, so that was a bonus

Took eldest DS out to lunch across from the beach and just chatted to him and walked about, then i went to gp and he was more than helpful and explained more about the surgery and why they chose lumpotomy over mascetomy, he said a lot of studies showed that the both of them ended up with the same long term outcome so they stopped being so radical with it, he also said the surgeon i have who is also his friend is very well respected in his field, he gave me some tablets to sleep as well

i hope tomorrow is the same, i need a break from the worry

only thing nagging at me is if something shows up on all theses other tests, i couldnt cope with that, but i am trying not to dwell on it too much

CT Scan

Took a tablet to go to sleep last night, was a good idea, i actually got some sleep and my mind had a rest, made a difference to how i feel today about things

Had to drink two bottles of a thick white drink, i love quick eze chalky taste so didn't mind them, when i got there had to have a canular put in, ouch, but i guess it's going to get worse, just have a fear of needles

They warned me i would get a hot flush and would feel like i was wetting myself but i wasn't, glad they warned me, and it was so cold today the hot flush was nice lol

No results, i didn't expect any, they will just send them all to surgeon, god i hope they are all clear though, i was trying to diagnose myself and look at the sheets they were viewing lol, then i thought they probably aren't even mine!

I feel good today, at least i get some up days in there, yesterday was just so draining

I wanted to say a thanks to all the comments and everyone who has been there for me, some i haven't hardly known for long at all and they have just jumped on board for the ride, and the long termers who put up with all my crazy posts, you are really saving me from driving myself to insanity! so keep it up please :)

Have gp appointment this afternoon so will talk to him more about things re surgery choices and get some pills to get me through the next couple of weeks, i try so hard not to worry but when something is threatening you mortality it scares the shit out of you!!

A bad day

What a day

Couldn't sleep last night, just laid there with a billion quetions and worries going through my mind, but it was freezing so too cold to get back up

I went for echo cardiogram today, that was fine, well as in the test was, no idea on results, they done that so later when chemo happens they can compare the results to check chemo is not doing any damage to my heart

Every test just makes it more real, i was just so tired as well so didn't help

I went to kids daycare to pick up a form and told the director and broke down, just couldn't help it, she was really nice about it all

I am really unsure about a lump removal now, maybe it's a mistake, i will end up with a deformed breast, i don't see how that is a good outcome, of course i want to live first but i would rather have a good end result as well. A lump removal cant be reconstructed but a mascetomy can, so confusing

I was just emotional and so drained all day, have a constant headache, i feel like i am going crazy!!

Why is this happening to me?

I am going to gp tomorrow to talk to him about stuff and get some tablets to sleep, i can't continue on like this, i will end up commited!

I have CT scan tomorrow, i know it's only a scan but so scared about what it might show, just have to hope for the best i guess

Surgeon's appointment

I met up with a female doctor first, who was lovely and supportive and understood how hard the last week would of been on me, she filled out a heap of paper work, explained about the surgery and touched on further treatment

The surgeon then come in and explained what he would actually do, they have decided to do a lumpotomy and removal of lymph nodes as its there as well, he said it is about golf ball size so not small but not huge either, he said that i would have a dent in breast and nipple would probably sink in, sounds lovely! After he walked out husband said well thats good, i said well not really its still half a breast going!! but he meant that it wasnt as dire as he thought, a double mastectomy!

There was sooo much to get through, i seen 4 people, the doctor, surgeon, breast nurse and the person who works for the guy who puts you to sleep, cant think of the spelling there, it was a whirlwind of information thrown at us, if anyone is reading this and having to go through this, I highly recommend you take someone with you to help you later to go over what was said, i thought some tests were in a building and husband said no that was for your pre admission, so glad i didn't have to think so much, he picked up what i missed kinda thing

I have a battery of tests this week, tomorrow i have echo cardiogram, not sure why?
Thursday i have CT scan of other body parts and next week i have a bone scan, they just do them all as routine, and i was so relieved, yet scared that they do, relieved because i would rather just see if there is more there, but scared because what if there is?

I have another appointment on 22nd with surgical team and operation will be within 30 days of today, i would have a guess at 28th which is a Monday, i kinda hope so, i want to get one night out in before i have to deal with all this crap, they could shock me and make it before the 26th, pretty depressing seeing as my 36th birthday might be spent in hospital or in recovery!

The surgeon said it is slow growing and even if i had left it another 6mths it would of probably been ok, which was a huge relief with waiting for surgery. I had a big feeling it was contraception pill related, as i had started taking that weeks before the lump appeared, i was right in that thinking, i don't believe it caused the cancer but the surgeon said it just helped it grow and come to light faster, otherwise i might not of found it all until 12mths later or something, i cant take anything with hormones in it now

They were panicked because we use no contraception and they are worried i will end up pregnant during it all, i refused an IUD, always thought they are linked to cancer, so no thanks!!

Our only other option is permanent solution, pretty shitty thinking about it really, so i wont for now, but we wont be stupid about anything, living is my priority atm, not more children or dealing with the trauma of an accident happening mid treatment, we are fine to forgo it all anyhow while we just sort our heads out and make a decision'

I am feeling ok, i will be devastated if they find more, i don't know how i will cope at all if that happens, i just have to feel good that i found a lump and within weeks its getting dealt with, i don't have to live with the guilt of kicking myself that i didn't get that checked out, i know i didn't muck around with it, thankgod!

I will just have to take it one test at a time, at least the next few tests are all scan type ones, not invasive, but i have to drink two bottles of some white stuff in prep for ct scan, hope they taste like antacid lol, i like the chalky taste

anyhow i will update when something new comes along, just glad to be feeling a bit better than last night, that was horrible!

The pre surgeon appointment meltdown!

Told a couple of people in a parenting group to pretty well much fuck off, i just exploded, i couldnt help myself

It was not about them though, and i did say sorry, but god i was barely holding it all together at the time

had to wander off for awhile and calm down

On the verge of breaking down now, but will just keep busy and go to bed, i am scared shitless now, i have been hanging for Tuesday to get here so i could just get on with it

But not its nearly here i want it to go away!!

argh this sucks!!!!!!!!!

I am just shaking with fear right now, i fucking hate needles, i hate hospitals, i hate fucking cancer!!!!!

More in the lymph nodes on other side?

My under arm on oppisite side has been really sore and tender last few days, i have kind of ignored it, but today its pretty sore, bit of a worry and hopefully nothing

Just one more thing to worry about

I went to sleep worrying and i woke up worrying, ggggrrrr!!!!

And i am so friggin cold, i could hardly sleep last night i was sooo cold, woke up cold, but i am just whinging now lol

Back next time

The beginning

I found a lump about 4 weeks ago, was about the size of the biggest marbles in a pack of them, got husband to feel it and he could feel it straight away, was worried

Went to docs about a week and a half later, he then organized a breast ultrasound

I went for that the next week, at the scan the woman kept asking me if i had been sick or lost a lot of weight, she asked me a few times, she was worrying me! She went to get doc and he come and had a look as well, he said he didn't know what it was and that they wanted me to have a mammogram, so they organized that and i had that about half an hour later, didnt really hurt, well only once for seconds on one part of it, wasn't bad at all really

They said they wanted to organize i FNA (fine needle biopsy), they were adamant i come back the next day, again a bit of a worry! So after a nervous night of feeling sick and scared about what would happen with this test, it wasn't as bad as i had thought, bit of pain and uncomfortable but a few stings with local anesthetic was probably the worst part, ended up finding out that i was having a core biopsy which is an incision and a huge arse needle! But i didn't feel it after the local kicked in

I made the mistake of looking and seen his little scalpel, i went 'What did you show me that for', he said 'well you looked', was amusing at the time

anyhow they took two lots of tissue out of breast lump and done FNA on my lymph nodes as they had found stuff there as well in scan

So now the waiting began!! It was horrible, i went on a Friday and had to wait till following Tuesday for results, i knew the odds were good due to my age being 35 and having no health problems or previous drama's

I over thought it all of course and did realise it could happen to me but hoped it didn't

Tuesday at 2.30pm i walked into doc's room, i knew then something wasn't good, he usually says how have you been, he didn't this time

He said 'It's not good news i am afraid, it's breast cancer' then went on to say, this does not mean a death sentence at all and went on to talk about celebrities that are prominent on the news at the moment

I held it together pretty well, i was in shock!!! we talked about different tests and he organized urgent referral to see surgeons at hospital

I got in the car and the minute i had driven away i started sobbing my heart out and i couldn't stop, i made the mistake of taking my 3 year old son with me, he was a great distraction for me in the doc's office but he didn't understand what i was doing, he kept saying 'why are you crying Mum? I can't see your face Mum?' It was crap but i couldn't stop anyhow

I got home and rang DH and said its not good news and broke down again, so he raced home from work, he was upset and shocked, well probably everything i was

Told my Mum and she broke down of course, it all sucked!!! badly!!

I am 35 years old and i have fucking cancer, it's not right, it's not fair, it sucks!!!

So i cried pretty well much up until i went to bed, i was online updating people and forums etc, i guess i kept my mind busy but i kept having to wander off and cry again

Australia's next top model finale was on the same night, and when the winner was announced her face had an expression i could so relate too, she just couldn't believe it was happening to her, i felt exactly the same but for very different reasons

I mainly sms'ed friends, i couldn't talk to anyone at that point, couldn't not cry once i said the word cancer

I got such overwhelming support from family, friends and all the people in my online world, it was the worst day of my life but knowing that so many gave a shit and cared really helped me to just grieve for that one day and night

I haven't cried since, i have been down and overthinking it so much i have made myself sick but i have kept pretty positive most of the time, i am sure thats all normal

I am petrified they will find more elsewhere, i know it doesn't mean the end but it sure won't help my frame of mind!!

I have 3 boys who are 10, 3 and 1, i just can't be dying anytime soon, they need me!!

I know that i will never have kids again as well, even if i could after it all i dont think i ever would as i would be terrified it would come back while i was pregnant, my current kids need me more anyhow, but it's truly awful to think your done, even if you kinda were anyhow, facing the fact that you don't have a choice now anyhow, your family is done

On a positive spin i am so thankful that i do have 3 healthy children, they will keep me sane and busy, i need them more than they need me right now

I know everyone around me feels so helpless and wonder what they can do, there is nothing they can do, not at this point anyhow, just being there is all they can do, and everyone has been doing more than their fair share of that, i am so grateful, overwhelmed and thankful that i have such great people around me

I have an appointment on Tuesday with surgeon and it feels like forever away!! driving me mad, i just want to deal with it now and get the hell over it, but at the same time i want to just wake up and realise it was all just a nightmare!!!