No chemo today

Got the stomach bug as well so i couldn't have it

On Thursday now instead at 2pm, kinda relieved but also dissapointed that it's not one down already

anyhow at least it wasn't next week for the reschedule time i guess

still feel horrible from this bug, although getting better, so hopefully a day of rest tomorrow and i should be fine for Thursday to go ahead

have to drink heaps of fluids before and after the chemo to get it out of my system fast, hoping my stomach can take the fluids tomorrow anyhow, might try a cordial or something if i can't stomach water so much

anyhow until next time

Late night ramblings

Have been doing ok, stress levels are rising slowly with Tuesday coming up fast, i am running out of patience with the kids and was even a bit snappy to my Mum on the phone tonight

I am still using every possible positive thought i can find to get me through it, but that tiny niggle is still there, what if i am horridly sick for 15 weeks? But mostly my positive thoughts win out and i override it

I heard my husband on the phone the other morning with my aunty and he told her that i started chemo on tuesday and that it took ten minutes etc, i said to him thats radiotherapy not chemo! I think he has no idea at all, might print him out some stuff to read i think, he is starting to slide back to his usual self again. I do give him credit for the effort her put in though, i was shocked it lasted so long, but he needs to slide right back into the effort making ASAP! if he is adding stress to my life instead of helping with it then he may as well not be here

My eldest DS thinks i already had chemo, god i wish!!

My 3 year old DS said that chemo sounds the same as nemo the fish lol

My nearly 2 year old DS has no opinion on it, besides saying sore sore and titches occasionally and trying to rip my top down to look at the stitches that are no longer there

My 3 year old DS had a stomach bug tonight and keeps vomiting and crying and moaning, poor kid! bit worried as i really cant pick anything up pre chemo or they will put it off and i really don't want that to happen, even though i dont want to go at all of course

They randomise me tomorrow for the clincal trial stuff, the computer will tell them if i get the drug or not, they might ring and tell me or i will find out Tuesday, i have decided to just go with whatever happens with it, i am sick of thinking about it, i will leave it in the computers hands

My eldest DS and someone were having a conversation the other day about the after life and what they believed, he was quiet informed for a ten year old but it got me to thinking, i am not a great believer in anything religious, but i believe in other types of things, i don't believe in afterlife really, i think once your done your done, i don't really know enough about religions to know what types support my thinking on the end is the end though, might look it up

anyhow i guess i should go finish the housework that got put off to do all the sick washing instead then try and sleep, i kept one sleeping tablet for tomorrow night as i don't think i will sleep otherwise

i have my parents arriving tomorrow so might not post again until after chemo, i so hope i am not out for too long if at all, positive thoughts all the way!!! calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean

Starting to feel sick with worry now

It's all happening too soon for my liking, Tuesday is not far away at all! Have that feeling in my stomach now, like a nervous tension feeling

But i am using every positive bone in my body to convince myself i will not be sick from this, it can't hurt to try and think positively about it

I still think it's so stupid having chemo when as far as i am aware i am cancer free, i know why i am having it, but still have trouble getting my head around it!

I got a wig, well ordered one the other day, hoping that comes tomorrow so i can test it out

I am taking my eldest out to lunch today while younger ones are at daycare, he has holidays still next week but as i am unsure how i will feel energy wise i thought i would take him out today so he has something enjoyable in his holidays. He is so excited, has asked me constantly what time we are going, and constantly i say 'lunchtime'!

His mate down the road rang earlier to ask him to go to beach with them, he wanted him to ditch me and go with him lol, but he said no, i thought aaww cute, he is not ready to ditch me yet, in a few years that will change, so may as well enjoy it while he isn't ditching me :)

I have been so busy since this stuff happened, running around and trying to get things done, i guess that is one positive in this crap, it got me motivated to get out there and do stuff

Going down to brisbane on sunday to meet a net friend and her family, the my parents arrive sunday and i think saturday my husband has a work opening thing on we might go too, so it means the time will fly till Tuesday! I don't want to go!!!

I am pissed off now

Have to go for the same blood test i already had due to the clinical trial stuff, gggrrr, she said its only a simple blood test, i said needles are not simple to me!!

then she raved about how she is going overseas for some work thing and wont be there when i start chemo, i said well i want to be you then, i will be doing chemo and you will be jetting off somewhere good!! then she said she had to have an injection for her deep vein thrombosis, so really she made it all about her lol

anyhow i am really re thinking this clincal trial stuff, if i do get chosen to have the meds then i am giving up a year of my life for it! i don't know and their is no garantee at all that it will make any difference at all

I was thinking of TTC'ing before all this crap happened and now its all so similiar to pregnancy, re the sickness and i have to take my temp twice a day so will remind me i should be charting and not looking out for signs on infection due to chemo!!

I wasn't firm on the TTC idea but was still nice to have a choice there, i don't now, well maybe later down the track, i said to oncologist would it be possible after treatment and he said more than likely, although no garantees i would stay in menopause, then i asked him if pregnancy could make it worse? he said actually they have found it makes it better in the long term. Anyhow not something i have to think about right now, but i guess i do, if i decide i do want more children and its possible then i don't really want to sign up for 12mths of a drug that i am not sure about.

In reality i think i am just planning ahead of it all so i don't have to think about whats happening now, i probably wont end up with more kids, i would be crazy lol!

Time is going too fast!!!

I want it to slow down, i don't want next tuesday to come along so quickly!!

i bought a wig last night, only a cheap one off ebay but will see how it looks, if its crap then i will just organise to go see wig people, i am kinda thinking i might rather go once my hair falls out now, so its a better fit

not much else happening, life is still normal, new house is going well

A good day

My husband got his payrise today finally, the boss has been hiding from him, so yah for one less stress in my life, he is now on salary, at first when he said figure i thought it was a bit less that he should get, but after factoring in work ute, fuel and phone over the year it is what he actually wanted, so that was good news

And i had plans to go out with one of the mums from one of my forums today, she come over to pick me up, then when we got there i was suprised by a lot of the other mums from the forum, was a lovely surprise, they gave me a hamper filled with goodies and a card, so thankyou very much girls :) It was very much appreciated

so a very good day for me today

actually things in general are better, won't lie, i am shitting myself about this chemo, but not as much as i thought i would be, i know i can't get out of it, so i guess i just have to get used to it and get it over with and hope it's not too bad re side effects for me. My ex BIL is having chemo atm and said to me awhile back that it wasnt too bad, i havent rang him back to ask more because i just have that 'It wasn't too bad' comment swimming around in my head to keep me thinking positively, if it went to shit for him i don't really want to know at this point, maybe after i start but not now

I am such a baby with needles though, so they won't know what hit them with me in their screaming and yelling and hyperventilating, they will have to get used too it because i will never get used to having needles, ever!! had so many over the years and its just as bad every single time for me

Oncologist appointment and moving house update

Well moved house, all went reasonably well, the removalists turned up and they were about 150 years old combined age, their were two of them. I thought oh no this is going to take all day!! the oldest guy who had to be at least 75 was carrying heavy stuff and his little skinny legs were shaking, it was scarily amusing, but they ended up doing a really good and quick job, husband was helping them as well so that sped it all up a bit

anyhow new house is nice enough, but no fans!!! cant believe it, i swore there were fans, so anyhow going to request them and see how i go, very hot upstairs already and its nowhere near summer yet!!

Went to surgeon and oncologist today, surgeon was happy with everything and i will see him again now in 6 mths, although he did say to his doctor re my cancer free results on second surgery that they were all the glass is half empty thinking on it, i thought yeah thanks for the positive thinking guys!!! So i am glad their thoughts didnt come true!

The oncologist mainly concentrated on me going on the clinical trial, i had a bit of a banter with someone online before appointment and rang husband and after talking to them and asking more i decided to agree to it, so i had to have an ECG and blood work done and they will now put me into a computer and it will decide whether i get the drug or not, no placebo in this trial, so i will know if i am getting it or not.
If i get drug then i have it for 12mths, if not i just get monitored for 6 years, as i will if getting drug as well

Chemo starts on 30th, so sucks to have a date, and so soon!!! but i knew it was coming i guess. They went over the side effects and stuff, it is nearly identical to a pregnancy its not funny!! she even said they done a study and found that women who had bad morning sickness seemed to get more sick with chemo treatments, so fingers crossed i go ok, i never got morning sickness with any of my kids, but as with everything no garantee's

anyhow just have to hope i go ok and don't get too sick from it all, going to suck regardless, i just hope the first one isnt too bad because it will be horrid to go back the second time and do it all again knowing its going to be bad!

otherwise not much else happening really, been doing ok mind wise, been busy with the house move etc helped to keep my mind off things and just generally trying to keep busy

Busy day today

Went to a look good feel good session this morning (where you go and they give you tips on applying makeup and a load of free really good makeup for those that dont know)
Anyhow i am sitting there and an older lady sits down, first thing out of her mouth was 'I lost the hair on my fanny and got blisters on my butt!' i said OMG i so dont need to know that! then she started saying more stuff i am was going ssshhh no more and covering my ears! the rest of the table sat in stunned silence lol, was an experience!!
Otherwise it went well, so many younger woman, many more than i expected, we were all suprised by it and all breast cancer too

anyhow seen some wigs and they look great, so natural and you really just cant tell, so will make an appointment with the lady in a few weeks to get one, i told her i wanted to get one that matched my hair extentions so i can still use them but in wig if i want a longer hair look at times, may as well not waste them

Then i went to bloomhill cancer place nearby to sign up, the nurse was lovely and we chatted for an hour or so about stuff and she just signed me up, they offer a lot of stuff there, only place like it in australia she was saying, very tranquil and she said i would probably really benifit from the meditation and yoga stuff to relax me so i can sleep

anyhow also signed up my 10 year old to see the child therapist there, i think it will be good for him in the long term to deal with it all and also signed my Mum up to go there and chat to them, she has been doing everything and needs an outlet herself, so hopefully it helps us all anyhow

I decided something today, i am not going to die of cancer, i will die sure, but not of cancer, so now i have decided that i feel a lot better, i am done with fucking worrying about that part of it. I feel so relieved that i finally decided it with 100% conviction this afternoon!

still so confused re the trial and gene testing etc, but nobody can tell me what to do re the decision so i guess i will just keep mulling it over

The oncologist appointment

Well firstly the good news, the second lot of cells they took at last operation were all clear, woohoo, so he said you are cancer free at the moment, so that was great news that they got it all out

Was a huge appointment re what i have to decide with future treatments etc

Firstly the trial i mentioned was talked about, it is a worldwide thing and is based in sweden, so today i signed a consent for them to send my pathology over to germany to be tested, firstly to check if i am triple negative for sure and also to put me in a computer, the computer will then decide if i am selected to take part in the trial or not, the results will be back within a week, pretty damn fast!

Anyhow if i am selected to participate i have to decide whether i want to or not, if i do then it means i will be given another drug which is already used to treat other cancers, but it would also mean i would have to have treatment with this drug for 12mths, which is like having chemo for 12mths, a lot to take on, and it could make it worse or better, there are no garantee's as its a trial. I have a lot to read up on with the info they gave me on how it all works anyhow

The chemo will start very soon, probably within a few weeks, i will have it once a fortnight for 14 weeks, they decided due to my age that they want to dose me high and that often, they mentioned the port thing, i was dreading that, its a thing they put in your blood vessel or something and it sticks out a bit in your neck and chest i think, but means when you go for chemo they just do it through a port, they said i would be under general to get it put in, i said well i wont have it if i am not! she mentioned a local to get it out later but i will be fighting tooth and nail on that one later down the track to get a general, why suffer if you dont have too!
He also said that my age is a good thing and that younger people seem to respond a lot better to the chemo treatments

He printed me out a graph to show me having chemo vs not having chemo and the odds do increase a bit, although not as greatly for me due to the type i have, but still better than no odds i guess

i will lose all my hair he said and they tried to tell me some people look great bald, i said i dont think so!! wasnt willing to agree on that one, then i asked about my nails and he said they would go brittle, i said but i have really nice nails!! had to add my whinging in there somewhere lol

so anyhow now i have to organise a wig within next 4 weeks as he said about 2 weeks after first treatment my scalp will get itchy my hair will go, but i kinda knew that anyhow so wasnt shocked about it

on a completely different topic, i bought up vitiman D and cancer as i had seen a lot of them together while reading online, he said that there have been so many studies done and they have found that using anything over 15 plus sunscreen is actually worse for you in the long term re melanoma, he said he would never use over 15 plus, he said people cover up way too much and its not good for your skin either, thought that was interesting and worth mentioning

so anyhow the team i met today seems great, they are all so understanding and ask about my family and kids etc, they are just very caring people and thats exactly what you need when dealing with all this

and finally he bought up me getting testing for the BRCA1 (breast cancer gene) as i am really the first in my direct family to have cancer, he said i could have the gene and just be the first to have it, i thought because i had no daughters it wouldnt come into play, but he said even my sons could be affected, re they could be more subseptable to colon cancer and other types of cancers later in life, the dilemma of me being tested is that it could affect them in other ways later in life, he said if i did test positive to it then they could have a lot of trouble ever getting life insurance and other things due to them maybe having more risk of cancer than normal, so a hell of a lot to think about really. I need to research what it means to me if i did test positive though, i wonder re the recent story regarding christina applegate if a radical approach is something i would want to do if i did have it

anyhow sorry to give so much info in one sitting but this is more so that i can look back later and read up on things i forget or want to clarify, so feel free to skim :)

oh and i will definately have the radiotherapy after the chemo

Feeling better about things today

I usually do after i obsess and go a bit crazy over it all, still all i think about but i really need to get off my butt and start living, but i think it's just because its all so up in the air atm, re knowing the treatment plans etc

I still feel good in the fact that i drive myself insane for a day then get over it, thankgod i don't stay down, i don't think you could do it if you couldnt pick yourself back

just so scared that it's not going to work, with chemo being the only option in my case that scares me, with other types there are other options, but i would presume they have relapses just like anyone else

worried about brain cancer now lol, i really am not that helpful to myself at all, but i will get over it again

anyhow will update tomorrow, hopefully with something positive about it all, i really should take someone because i will forget most of it, but i just feel i need to go alone, i have some questions written down so will ask them anyhow

till tomorrow night

Just an overtired rambling post

I have read so much tonight on the type of cancer i have, it's all so damn touch and go no matter how you look at it, any type has a good story vs bad story, so you can't win really, well you can win, i mean re the reading of it all

As for the trial thing i mentioned in previous post, the girl was saying that its a 50/50 chance you could be on the trial, so whether that means you get a fake vs real or just aren't right for it i don't know, guess i will find out monday

I woke up yesterday morning i think it was, i was drowning in my sleep, was scary waking up gasping for breath, but it is how i feel, like i am drowning, it's just all so horrid

When that girl called today i just wanted everyone around me to dissapear, i always feel so numb and just so edgy after calls and appointments that i just want everyone to go away and leave me the hell alone, not that they even do anything, i just feel so smothered surrounded by them all, if i wasnt on pain killers for the stupid headache i had i would of got in my car and just drove around, i do that a lot lately, say i am going to shops and just drive around the neighbourhood for awhile first to just get the hell away

I was looking at my kids tonight and thinking of all the what if's, my nearly 2 year old was going mum mum and i was thinking, imagine not having your Mum around, it would suck, i am thankful i don't know what that feels like at all and i hope my kids never know that feeling either

Anyhow i will feel better about it again tomorrow or later today i should say, i usually do, just have to have to do this downer shit first then i pick myself back up again

Eventually i think it will get better, no matter what the outcome, at some point i just hope you can accept that you can't control it, well i guess at some point you have too

anyhow hopefully i didnt put you to sleep with that crap, something i should be doing myself!!

later

Surgery and results update

Long and probably all over the place today sorry, rushing to get it done while i get two minutes without someone talking to me or yelling!

Surgery was a lot different this time, as in time frame’s, I walked in to the transit lounge and they said I was needed upstairs, so I thought yah (pretty sad when your excited you are going for surgery, but I gather you know what I mean) so went upstairs, signed a form and sat down in waiting area. There was another lady there and she asked what I was having and I told her what I had, she had the same thing, but hers was in her milk ducts and was picked up on a routine mammogram so she said she just went straight for the mascetomy, they wanted to take half her breast though, so I said If I had the option of taking half or all I would of went with the whole lot as well

Anyhow then they called me in, was so quick, before I knew it I was on stretcher in anaesthetist’s room, then we argued lol. He was hopeless and I told him so! He got the needle in then I was yelling and carrying on as he missed the vien, I said don’t tell me you didn’t get it right! Then he was going mmm, ohhh and making all these stupid noises, I said ‘Would you stop making them noises and try and think positive and do it right!! He then tried again and stuffed it up again, so I was screaming and yelling at him, then finally he got the damn thing in, he said I could of got a student in, I said well go get one as they probably have fresh experience!!

The other guy come in after that and said they could hear me screaming through the halls, I said well he wasn’t good at it, I am a bitch lol, I am sure he was trying his best, but it was my arm he was stuffing around with!

On a stranger note, the older anaesthetist was outside with me and the nurse said she would put me in the computer as a statistic, and I said well I hope you mean a live one! And he said well anything can be arranged here, but that wasn’t the strange part, he commented on my file being thick and I said yeah I have had a couple of kids here, then he said well at least you not on volume 6 yet, he said some old people just wont die! He said they are 108 and keep kicking, they just wont die! That was a worry, I think I am going to keep my eye on a lot of old people suddenly dying at that hospital, hopefully he just had a dark kind of humour or something!

Anyhow woke up in recovery and had pretty low blood pressure so they had to lay me kinda upside down to try and fix that, I felt ok just woosy

I was in pain so they gave me something for that, but it wasn’t horrid pain, just pretty sore

Then I was determined to get out of there so I asked them if I could try sitting up, so done that for awhile then had a sandwich and drink and got up to get dressed and then felt a bit better, well out of it but better, they rang mum to come and pick me up at 3.30pm, I was walking sideways out of there lol, I knew I was but couldn’t control where I walked, anyhow got home and went to bed and slept until the kids were so noisy they woke me up, just felt really out of if for a few days and a bit of pain but nothing much really

So have an appointment with surgeon again on the 16^th of September, was going to ring them on Monday to find out results of pathology as I wasn’t waiting two weeks, but got a call this afternoon

The girl said they needed to see me on Monday, not my surgeon but the cancer specialists, so I panicked, thought straight away that they were going to operate again, she said no, you wont have anymore ops, so that was a relief, but anyhow at my hospital your case goes before a multi disciplinary board to discuss your case, includes my surgeon, my gp, oncologists and nurses I guess

Anyhow she said I have triple negative breast cancer, which is uncommon and they cant just give me the hormone therapy as they normally would, as it wouldn’t do anything really anyhow, so that was great!! I can’t just have a normal friggin type, have to have some uncommon type, she said its not rare but not something they see often. So they want to race me in as they are considering me for a new drug trial and need to organise it all ASAP if that happens. I will still have chemo, which hopefully it responds too and radiotherapy and not sure how the trial drug works in if they decide to go ahead on that one, I will find out more Monday

So if I decide to go ahead with trial then they have to send my pathology stuff to another lab to be sure that it is triple negative cancer and then go from there I guess, she said the trial thing was exciting, exciting how? I wasn’t one bit fucking excited!

i wonder though if they got the triple negative reading off the new cells they took then wouldn't that mean that it didnt come back clear re the extra stuff they took, worrying!

She also said my GP had told them that I had young kids, so of course I jumped to the conclusion that maybe I was fucked and he said it was sad re I had young kids, but someone said to me maybe he meant that I had young kids and might not be able to get in that fast, re Monday, so maybe that is the case, sounds better anyhow

So of course I Dr Googled and checked out what sort it was and read the word deadly if it comes back, but have decided cancer is cancer is cancer, doesn’t matter where I have it, its scary shit and could come back, I could have had any of them and it could still come back, I guess I cant control that, but doesn’t stop me thinking about it just the same

Anyhow I will know more Monday and will have the stress headache I have until then and well probably for years after that! The pharmaceutical industry is sure benefiting from me financially with the pain killers I buy!

This sucks no matter what way you try and look at it!

I have the look good, feel good thing on Tuesday, so hopefully that is ok, well should be, free makeup can’t hurt I guess and trying on wigs should be interesting

I am going to go to the local cancer place sometime next week, keep putting it off, but hard re moving house as well, just hope Monday I am not driving home sobbing, hopefully it’s a productive thing

Until Monday