The time has flown by, Monday isn't far away at all
I am kinda down that i have to go back again, but more so because i am nervous that the results wont be clear, but i try and keep thinking that when i was first diagnosed the surgeon said i had a very slow growing type of cancer, so i have to hope that it would mean it was gone and its just a precaution type of thing, still have to try this and hope for the best rather than jump straight to a mascetomy
My breast is so swollen up still, the surgeon said it fills up with fluid and that eventually it will sink in, bummer, because its looking pretty damn good, it wont after monday though :(
God i hope this is it re surgery though, its just the process i dread so much, will get there at 10am again and then probably wait until god knows when to get the op, i know thats just the way it is, but because i have done it before i know its going to be so friggin mind numbing there, anyhow no choice in the matter i guess
I have been keeping busy and it's doing me the world of good, today i thought about it as i always do but not as much, went out all day and night today and it was good to just get out there, i was sitting around wallowing in it and i knew i was, so getting out a couple of times this week was helpful and i shall try and stick to it now, need to keep myself sane
Had big drama's with finding another house, found a perfect house which was a lease take over and got approved no problems, then the next day the tenant decided not to break their lease, gggrrr, i was so pissed off because i had rang and cancelled another application i had in. Anyhow the same agent approved me on two houses and told me to choose, one being the one that fell through that i had chosen, so we just swapped to the other one, exact same house but on a smaller block, really would of preffered the other one for the big money its going to cost us! anyhow maybe the other one was just meant to be
On better news my husband done a terrific job on a project at work so hit them up for more money, they seemed open to the idea and they are having a meeting next week, i sure hope he gets what he wants because we will need it with the massive rent increase we are taking on
Rent prices here are beyond ridiculous, i looked at an older style single storey home, nothing fancy about it, then for 10 dollars extra i am getting a two storey near new condition home, it just doesnt make sense, stupid how they work out pricing i think
So anyhow we are moving on the 12th of September, so at least i will get some recovery after operation on monday before the moving date, the owners here have been great and i have really appreciated that they extended my moving out date to help me out re recovery for this next op
I am thinking i wont have much trouble re recovery this time around, it was the lymph node removal that caused me all the pain and grief last time, so hoping its simple, hopefully i am not kidding myself anyhow
My parents are arriving back tomorrow, they are still not well and i didnt want them to come back, i said its day surgery and that my husband could just take the day off for it, but Mum wouldnt listen and is coming back down anyhow, i understand that she feels she has to be here to help me and thats great, but if she doesnt look after herself first then where will i be? Noone can get through to her though, i told her she is crazy!
Anyhow hopefully Monday is simple, i am just worried though that as soon as i go back the week after they will then start organising chemo, that i am not ready for and never will be!!! scary shit that i dont want to face at all
Heard today that a friend of mine might have cervical cancer, i really hope that she gets some good results if they do more invasive testing, poor thing at first thought she was pregnant then they said she might have liver cancer, then said her pancreas is not functioning properly and now this, will have to ring her to find out more but i doubt she knows more until further tests anyhow, scary time for her!
thinking of testing i must remember i have to get my thyroid scanned, can someone who talks to me online remind me to find my referral for that, i keep forgetting about it, guess i should go get it checked out, they thought a cyst but wanted to investigate further, i think i put it in the i dont want to face that just yet basket
guess i should go sleep, i have a sore throat and wasnt feeling great earlier, hope i am ok tomorrow as i really just want to get the op crap over with, actually i just wish this would go away!
fingers crossed they dont try and kill me with morphine this time, well it wont kill me but it made me pretty stuffed up, so hopefully i dont deal with that again anyhow, still considering writing it on me but i probably wont
anyhow seeya on the other side of the operation day
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Surgeons appointment
Well yesterday i had pre admission clinic and that was so friggin mind numbing, i was there for 4 hours! even though i done it all just 4 weeks ago i had to do it again, so surgery is 1st of September as planned
As for the morphine, i mentioned it again and me being allergic, he said oh i will note it again, like that helped last time!!
went to surgeons appointment today, doctor come in and said hi to me and said surgeon would be along shortly
for weeks they have been telling me that they needed to get more cells as margins were not big enough surrounding tumour and they wanted more, was prepared for that
he comes in and says he will cut the scar out, as in the whole section of skin and cells and that my breast would probably drop down and look completely different than it does now, then he said was i happy with that, i said well i dont have a choice! he said well you do, you could just have a mascetomy, mmm yeah great fucking choice, deformed breast or no breast, who the hell wants to make that decision!! then he said i would just stay the day for the surgery, which didnt really bother me, no friggin snoring patients suits me fine!!
But after i left i freaked out, it was so much more major than they had said to me earlier, my gp who is mates with the surgeon had said to me surgeon was not worried at all that cancer was in further cells that they would take out, but then today he said it was really close and it could be, so fuck knows!
anyhow i left in a bit of a daze, wasnt expecting any of that, i freaked out a bit and ranted and raved to someone on msn and decided to ring the breast care nurse at hospital to see if i had a mascetomy would i still have to have chemo etc, she said due to the type i have which is estrogen negative,(i thought it was positive, but anyhow), that i would have chemo regardless of what op i had and she explained things a bit better to me so i felt a bit better about things, well as better as you can feel
so now back to the waiting game, operation on monday, waiting on pathology and hoping its all clear and then on to the next part i guess
I am not worried about them taking more breast really as i want to live as my first option and i can wear tops and noone can tell, but a mascetomy is a whole other ball game, i keep thinking of how hot it is here and having to wear fuller tops to cover it all up, hope i dont have to worry about it anyhow
as for all the sick people, they are finally better, thankgod!!
applied for a couple of houses to move to over last couple of days, should hear about one tomorrow, really just dont care about it at all though, so much else to think about
on a positive note my doc gave me some sleeping pills that actually work!! so i am sleeping properly, once i get a few nights of good sleep i will feel a bit more with it as well i would presume
On better news i recieved a parcel of goodies from an online friend the other day, so thankyou for that :)
I don't think anyone that sends me cards and gifts and just listens to me realises how much that means, it keeps me upright and going forward, i dont know what i would do without you all really, so thankyou again for just being there :) I dont really talk to anyone in real life about it, i do re the medical stuff but not the this is how i feel right now, so its a wonderful thing i have where i can just get online and pour it all out and people listen and care
After every appointment i walk away so drained, so its great to come back online and pick myself back up
anyhow until next time
As for the morphine, i mentioned it again and me being allergic, he said oh i will note it again, like that helped last time!!
went to surgeons appointment today, doctor come in and said hi to me and said surgeon would be along shortly
for weeks they have been telling me that they needed to get more cells as margins were not big enough surrounding tumour and they wanted more, was prepared for that
he comes in and says he will cut the scar out, as in the whole section of skin and cells and that my breast would probably drop down and look completely different than it does now, then he said was i happy with that, i said well i dont have a choice! he said well you do, you could just have a mascetomy, mmm yeah great fucking choice, deformed breast or no breast, who the hell wants to make that decision!! then he said i would just stay the day for the surgery, which didnt really bother me, no friggin snoring patients suits me fine!!
But after i left i freaked out, it was so much more major than they had said to me earlier, my gp who is mates with the surgeon had said to me surgeon was not worried at all that cancer was in further cells that they would take out, but then today he said it was really close and it could be, so fuck knows!
anyhow i left in a bit of a daze, wasnt expecting any of that, i freaked out a bit and ranted and raved to someone on msn and decided to ring the breast care nurse at hospital to see if i had a mascetomy would i still have to have chemo etc, she said due to the type i have which is estrogen negative,(i thought it was positive, but anyhow), that i would have chemo regardless of what op i had and she explained things a bit better to me so i felt a bit better about things, well as better as you can feel
so now back to the waiting game, operation on monday, waiting on pathology and hoping its all clear and then on to the next part i guess
I am not worried about them taking more breast really as i want to live as my first option and i can wear tops and noone can tell, but a mascetomy is a whole other ball game, i keep thinking of how hot it is here and having to wear fuller tops to cover it all up, hope i dont have to worry about it anyhow
as for all the sick people, they are finally better, thankgod!!
applied for a couple of houses to move to over last couple of days, should hear about one tomorrow, really just dont care about it at all though, so much else to think about
on a positive note my doc gave me some sleeping pills that actually work!! so i am sleeping properly, once i get a few nights of good sleep i will feel a bit more with it as well i would presume
On better news i recieved a parcel of goodies from an online friend the other day, so thankyou for that :)
I don't think anyone that sends me cards and gifts and just listens to me realises how much that means, it keeps me upright and going forward, i dont know what i would do without you all really, so thankyou again for just being there :) I dont really talk to anyone in real life about it, i do re the medical stuff but not the this is how i feel right now, so its a wonderful thing i have where i can just get online and pour it all out and people listen and care
After every appointment i walk away so drained, so its great to come back online and pick myself back up
anyhow until next time
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Finally things are getting better again
Got news today that the owners are now happy to let me stay here until the end of september due to me having further surgery, so that was really nice of them, i will still probably move in 3 weeks anyhow but nice to know they done that
kids are starting to get better, well tonights air will let me know for sure, but i sure hope so, took my mum to her docs today, he has her on drugs now so hopefully she is better in a day or so and my dad not long after, then we can just get on with it all
looking at rentals this week so hopefully something shows up and its a simple processs
have trouble with my arm, i might have to go get that looked at when i get time, just really sore and still swollen even after it got drained, might just need it again, not sure
the time is flying by! kinda sucks because next week is filled with the surgery stuff appointments, coming up way too quickly! i am really pissed off i have to go back again, hopefully it's just a day surgery this time though, we shall see
kids are starting to get better, well tonights air will let me know for sure, but i sure hope so, took my mum to her docs today, he has her on drugs now so hopefully she is better in a day or so and my dad not long after, then we can just get on with it all
looking at rentals this week so hopefully something shows up and its a simple processs
have trouble with my arm, i might have to go get that looked at when i get time, just really sore and still swollen even after it got drained, might just need it again, not sure
the time is flying by! kinda sucks because next week is filled with the surgery stuff appointments, coming up way too quickly! i am really pissed off i have to go back again, hopefully it's just a day surgery this time though, we shall see
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Same shit, different day!!
They are all still so sick, when will it end?
I have spend so much money on medicine's etc over last week, nothing seems to improve them anyhow, its the worst virus i have ever seen, been 5 days for mum and she is only just improving a bit now and the rest are still bad, my dad hasnt got out of bed in two days or more
As for medical stuff, got my underarm drained today, 700mls! no wonder it was so sore, but its still bloody sore as tonight even after they drained it
I looked at a rental today, was ok, but not really what i want, so looking at another one tomorrow, something will come along anyhow, so not looking forward to it at all though, and my agent rang me today pressuring me to give her a move out date, the bitch knows everything and that i am having more surgery, doesn't seem to affect her day anyhow, oh well what goes around comes around or however it goes
otherwise life is shit with all this crap happening, no more medical stuff until next tuesday with the surgeon, gggrrr that they didnt get enough the first time!!
I have spend so much money on medicine's etc over last week, nothing seems to improve them anyhow, its the worst virus i have ever seen, been 5 days for mum and she is only just improving a bit now and the rest are still bad, my dad hasnt got out of bed in two days or more
As for medical stuff, got my underarm drained today, 700mls! no wonder it was so sore, but its still bloody sore as tonight even after they drained it
I looked at a rental today, was ok, but not really what i want, so looking at another one tomorrow, something will come along anyhow, so not looking forward to it at all though, and my agent rang me today pressuring me to give her a move out date, the bitch knows everything and that i am having more surgery, doesn't seem to affect her day anyhow, oh well what goes around comes around or however it goes
otherwise life is shit with all this crap happening, no more medical stuff until next tuesday with the surgeon, gggrrr that they didnt get enough the first time!!
Monday, August 18, 2008
No sleep yet again!!
This truly is bullshit!!!
Most of them are still sick and i am exhausted from looking after them all, especially seeing as sleep seems to be an optional extra in my life lately
I am so tired, and everyone is coughing, it's driving me fucking insane!
Supposed to be looking for a house to move to in 11 days, blah, so could not be bothered at all, i look but i don't care at all
my underarm is still really swollen up, but i am too tired to go anywhere to get it drained so will just have to put up with it until tomorrows appointment at hospital
anyhow this week better improve and i would presume kids will be home tomorrow from daycare, have to go to hospital and my parents are still both sick, hope mum is better so she can watch them while i go, just hope i can drive with this big swollen underarm! gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Most of them are still sick and i am exhausted from looking after them all, especially seeing as sleep seems to be an optional extra in my life lately
I am so tired, and everyone is coughing, it's driving me fucking insane!
Supposed to be looking for a house to move to in 11 days, blah, so could not be bothered at all, i look but i don't care at all
my underarm is still really swollen up, but i am too tired to go anywhere to get it drained so will just have to put up with it until tomorrows appointment at hospital
anyhow this week better improve and i would presume kids will be home tomorrow from daycare, have to go to hospital and my parents are still both sick, hope mum is better so she can watch them while i go, just hope i can drive with this big swollen underarm! gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Saturday, August 16, 2008
A house full of sick people!
5 out of 7 people are sick, i am thankful i am not one of them, i am just exhausted from looking after the rest of them!
had to ring an ambulance for my mum on thursday morning as she was really bad, had a migraine and some vomiting thing, they come out but she decided not to go in as they said they would only give her a drip and not much else, so she has been in bed since, been giving her hydrating drinks and icepacks etc, she seems to perk up then goes down hill again, hope she is better soon
then thursday i got a call from daycare that 1.5 year old had vomited and had a high temp, so went and got him, he has been sick since, he was just screaming and screaming, finally the nurofen kicked in and he is asleep, poor kid!
the 3 year old got hit with it on friday, its a horrid virus!
10 year old has a cold and bad cough, so coughs all night, driving him insane, tried a couple of medicines but they dont seem to do much for it, hopefully tonight he gets some relief and my ears as well
I haven't got it and i refuse to get it! I just recovered from the surgery when mum went down so i am exhausted from looking after everyone else
My arm is swollen, like i have an apple under it, full of fluid, the pressure is starting now, so that sucks, if its still bad tomorow i will go to medical centre or hospital to get it drained before tuesday appointment
I am not sleeping hardly at all, i try and try to sleep but nothing, tried sleeping pills, AD's and pain killers, not a thing makes me drowsy, i fall into an exhausted sleep around 3 - 4 am! driving me crazy!
anyhow i have decided everyone is going to be better by monday afternoon!
I have to find a house to move in two weeks, i am so not interested at all, last thing i want to do is bloody move, the joy or renting i guess though, just sucks spending so much money to move to the same suburb! i will just apply and if i get them i get them, i really don't care at all about it, so many other thing to worry about
anyhow next week is going to be a good week, we have had enough shit weeks now!
had to ring an ambulance for my mum on thursday morning as she was really bad, had a migraine and some vomiting thing, they come out but she decided not to go in as they said they would only give her a drip and not much else, so she has been in bed since, been giving her hydrating drinks and icepacks etc, she seems to perk up then goes down hill again, hope she is better soon
then thursday i got a call from daycare that 1.5 year old had vomited and had a high temp, so went and got him, he has been sick since, he was just screaming and screaming, finally the nurofen kicked in and he is asleep, poor kid!
the 3 year old got hit with it on friday, its a horrid virus!
10 year old has a cold and bad cough, so coughs all night, driving him insane, tried a couple of medicines but they dont seem to do much for it, hopefully tonight he gets some relief and my ears as well
I haven't got it and i refuse to get it! I just recovered from the surgery when mum went down so i am exhausted from looking after everyone else
My arm is swollen, like i have an apple under it, full of fluid, the pressure is starting now, so that sucks, if its still bad tomorow i will go to medical centre or hospital to get it drained before tuesday appointment
I am not sleeping hardly at all, i try and try to sleep but nothing, tried sleeping pills, AD's and pain killers, not a thing makes me drowsy, i fall into an exhausted sleep around 3 - 4 am! driving me crazy!
anyhow i have decided everyone is going to be better by monday afternoon!
I have to find a house to move in two weeks, i am so not interested at all, last thing i want to do is bloody move, the joy or renting i guess though, just sucks spending so much money to move to the same suburb! i will just apply and if i get them i get them, i really don't care at all about it, so many other thing to worry about
anyhow next week is going to be a good week, we have had enough shit weeks now!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Can't sleep! yet again
I had life long insomnia before all this so i am kinda used to it, but i am exhausted!
It's so weird, i keep thinking, what do i say to people, it seems so strange now, i had an operation and as far as it goes they got all the cancer out, so in theory i am cancer free and fine. But then i have to go and have another op and chemo etc just in case, seems so weird to say i have breast cancer, when really as far as i know i don't anymore!
Sick to death of thinking about it really, it's all i can think about though
And i am scared of what's to come, i am starting to feel physically fine again after the last op, and now i have to go back into the unknown again, wish this was just it! I could deal with that just fine!
And i decided i am going to organise a wig soon just in case, i have never looked in the mirror and thought wow wonder what i would look like bald or wow i might shave my head for something different! And i figure i would rather do it while i have my hair and it's not so confronting if that time does come
It all sucks, i still laugh and i am still me, but it sucks!! What if i die from this? sure it won't be tomorrow so probably shouldn't be thinking about it, but it's very confronting when something like this happens to you, you don't have a choice but to consider the what if's of it all!
anyhow might try and sleep i guess
until next time
It's so weird, i keep thinking, what do i say to people, it seems so strange now, i had an operation and as far as it goes they got all the cancer out, so in theory i am cancer free and fine. But then i have to go and have another op and chemo etc just in case, seems so weird to say i have breast cancer, when really as far as i know i don't anymore!
Sick to death of thinking about it really, it's all i can think about though
And i am scared of what's to come, i am starting to feel physically fine again after the last op, and now i have to go back into the unknown again, wish this was just it! I could deal with that just fine!
And i decided i am going to organise a wig soon just in case, i have never looked in the mirror and thought wow wonder what i would look like bald or wow i might shave my head for something different! And i figure i would rather do it while i have my hair and it's not so confronting if that time does come
It all sucks, i still laugh and i am still me, but it sucks!! What if i die from this? sure it won't be tomorrow so probably shouldn't be thinking about it, but it's very confronting when something like this happens to you, you don't have a choice but to consider the what if's of it all!
anyhow might try and sleep i guess
until next time
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Another day and another doctor's appointment
Had to go to hospital again for doctor's clinic, to get the wound drained, they got less this time so hopefully it means its slowly fixing itself, the operation will go ahead she said, i still have to see surgeon on 26th but from what she said it will happen anyhow
I asked them about driving, she said if i think i can avert things fine then i can, but she would rather i didn't for now, she said it would be dangerous for myself and others, i said 'oh don't worry i won't test it in my own car' then she said so what type of car will you be driving so i can avoid you? I said 'where is your car parked?' She found that amusing
so anyhow no idea when i can friggin drive again!!!
Reasons i want to drive again:
My Mum drives like a maniac!
My Mum sings along to songs, if i wanted to hear her sing i would make a friggin cd of her!
And if she doesn't know the words, she whistles instead, aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
And then i can get out of here, even to drive down the supermarket would be fine, just to go out alone!
anyhow i might try driving locally and see how i go, so watch out if you live near me lol
So anyhow i have doctors at hospital again next week, blah, then the 25th at pre admission clinic again! then surgeon on the 26th, then op on the 1st of September
Oh i said to doctor i am going to write on my chest, NO MORPHINE THANKS! Sadly she agreed with me, not a good sign!!!
anyhow not much else happening, pain is really good now, still a slight ache but managable, the pain was really getting me down
till next time
I asked them about driving, she said if i think i can avert things fine then i can, but she would rather i didn't for now, she said it would be dangerous for myself and others, i said 'oh don't worry i won't test it in my own car' then she said so what type of car will you be driving so i can avoid you? I said 'where is your car parked?' She found that amusing
so anyhow no idea when i can friggin drive again!!!
Reasons i want to drive again:
My Mum drives like a maniac!
My Mum sings along to songs, if i wanted to hear her sing i would make a friggin cd of her!
And if she doesn't know the words, she whistles instead, aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
And then i can get out of here, even to drive down the supermarket would be fine, just to go out alone!
anyhow i might try driving locally and see how i go, so watch out if you live near me lol
So anyhow i have doctors at hospital again next week, blah, then the 25th at pre admission clinic again! then surgeon on the 26th, then op on the 1st of September
Oh i said to doctor i am going to write on my chest, NO MORPHINE THANKS! Sadly she agreed with me, not a good sign!!!
anyhow not much else happening, pain is really good now, still a slight ache but managable, the pain was really getting me down
till next time
Friday, August 8, 2008
Got a new surgery date
gggrrrr, the surgery might not happen but the doc seemed to think it might go ahead for them to have another look if they can get more cells, anyhow 1st of September if it goes ahead
Got all the staples out today at gp's and they drained 400 mls of fluid out of my arm etc, such a relief, i was up until 5am in pain with it! hopefully i sleep tonight!
on better news, i got another parcel today from a website, with some lovely gifts and letter and money, so thankyou to those people involved in that :)
otherwise went to shops today for the first time in ages, was nice to look around but i was exhausted after a short while, thought i would be fine by now, but did read you can be tired for weeks after, so i guess it makes sense
Got myself a portable dvd player so i can watch dvd's in bed to try and sleep easier, need that noise so i am not thinking but music is no good for me to try and sleep too, will have to get some boring doco's lol, then later i can take it to treatments with me to watch movies and tv shows i have to keep my mind busy if i dont want to listen to music
anyhow till next time
Got all the staples out today at gp's and they drained 400 mls of fluid out of my arm etc, such a relief, i was up until 5am in pain with it! hopefully i sleep tonight!
on better news, i got another parcel today from a website, with some lovely gifts and letter and money, so thankyou to those people involved in that :)
otherwise went to shops today for the first time in ages, was nice to look around but i was exhausted after a short while, thought i would be fine by now, but did read you can be tired for weeks after, so i guess it makes sense
Got myself a portable dvd player so i can watch dvd's in bed to try and sleep easier, need that noise so i am not thinking but music is no good for me to try and sleep too, will have to get some boring doco's lol, then later i can take it to treatments with me to watch movies and tv shows i have to keep my mind busy if i dont want to listen to music
anyhow till next time
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Worried but thankful as well
In a bit of a panic, found a funny bit of skin on my other breast last night, its like a scabby bit of skin that wasnt there before, now i am worried that there is something there as well!! could be nothing but fuck like i need more to worry about! It sort of felt like a tiny lump last night but seems flat again today, will show my gp tomorrow anyhow, god i hope its nothing and i scratched it or something
On better news i recieved a money order from a website i go too today, in a bit of shock, thankyou so much for them for rallying around and organsing it, couldn't of come at a better time girls! so thankyou :)
Pain level is getting better, managable dull ache now, trying not to take any pain killers today to give my body a rest from them, might make me stop feeling nauseas anyhow
talk more later
ETA: i am probably seeing too much into it, but still worrying slightly, will show gp tomorrow anyhow
On better news i recieved a money order from a website i go too today, in a bit of shock, thankyou so much for them for rallying around and organsing it, couldn't of come at a better time girls! so thankyou :)
Pain level is getting better, managable dull ache now, trying not to take any pain killers today to give my body a rest from them, might make me stop feeling nauseas anyhow
talk more later
ETA: i am probably seeing too much into it, but still worrying slightly, will show gp tomorrow anyhow
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
more info about today
I just done a quick post earlier to everyone could be updated on what happened
I got every second staple out today and that tape coming off was bad but they let me take it off myself, the breast nurse said she didnt want to take the staples out, i thought she meant she hadnt done it before! So i panicked and said my dr will do it then, but she had done it hundreds of times lol, she just thought surgeon might not want them out yet! Anyhow that relieved my mind, she then put some dressing on me then ripped it back off, i said you done that to get your kicks didn't you lol, she refused to admit it lol
Anyhow i will definately have chemo and radiotherapy now, i knew chemo was for sure and was pretty sure radiotherapy would happen, so wasn't that shocked really by it
i cant drive still, they said they want it to be fully healed before i drive as i could end up ripping it back open, ouch to that idea!!
I mentioned how nauseas i still am each day and the pain, they said the nausea is probably from the hospital drugs, must take awhile to get out of your system
As for the pain it was relieved to managable pain when they drained 300mls of fluid out of my arm today, its still pain but nowhere near as severe now, they weren't even going to drain it as i looked fine, not puffy really, glad they decided to look anyhow, didnt feel a thing with that anyhow
so now i have physio tomorrow, my gp friday for the rest of staples out and then surgeons rooms again next tuesday to see if it needs draining again, i wanted a friggin job!! not 5 docs appointments a week!
i am pretty down still about it all, trying to stay positive but it's hard some days, but i don't stay down for too long, the pain easing up a bit has helped my frame of mind
oh also they said they took 30 nodes from under my arm and only 3 were cancerous, so that was good news, and if i do get another op it will be too try and get more healthy cells so the clear (cancer free cells) margin is bigger, they havent mentioned mascetomy as yet, hope they don't
Someone asked if chemo and radio should clear up any cells left anyhow, i think they would but i think they like to get it all that they can see, and the chemo and radio is just to get anything that might be hidden in my body, its a just in case thing really, i could have no further treatment and be fine forever, but not a risk i am willing to take!
And finally at this moment in time, i am CANCER FREE!!!! so that is good news!!!
I got every second staple out today and that tape coming off was bad but they let me take it off myself, the breast nurse said she didnt want to take the staples out, i thought she meant she hadnt done it before! So i panicked and said my dr will do it then, but she had done it hundreds of times lol, she just thought surgeon might not want them out yet! Anyhow that relieved my mind, she then put some dressing on me then ripped it back off, i said you done that to get your kicks didn't you lol, she refused to admit it lol
Anyhow i will definately have chemo and radiotherapy now, i knew chemo was for sure and was pretty sure radiotherapy would happen, so wasn't that shocked really by it
i cant drive still, they said they want it to be fully healed before i drive as i could end up ripping it back open, ouch to that idea!!
I mentioned how nauseas i still am each day and the pain, they said the nausea is probably from the hospital drugs, must take awhile to get out of your system
As for the pain it was relieved to managable pain when they drained 300mls of fluid out of my arm today, its still pain but nowhere near as severe now, they weren't even going to drain it as i looked fine, not puffy really, glad they decided to look anyhow, didnt feel a thing with that anyhow
so now i have physio tomorrow, my gp friday for the rest of staples out and then surgeons rooms again next tuesday to see if it needs draining again, i wanted a friggin job!! not 5 docs appointments a week!
i am pretty down still about it all, trying to stay positive but it's hard some days, but i don't stay down for too long, the pain easing up a bit has helped my frame of mind
oh also they said they took 30 nodes from under my arm and only 3 were cancerous, so that was good news, and if i do get another op it will be too try and get more healthy cells so the clear (cancer free cells) margin is bigger, they havent mentioned mascetomy as yet, hope they don't
Someone asked if chemo and radio should clear up any cells left anyhow, i think they would but i think they like to get it all that they can see, and the chemo and radio is just to get anything that might be hidden in my body, its a just in case thing really, i could have no further treatment and be fine forever, but not a risk i am willing to take!
And finally at this moment in time, i am CANCER FREE!!!! so that is good news!!!
The results appointment
Got mixed result today, they did get it all out but they were not happy with the clear margin they got, it was only 1mm. So i may need more surgery, which would take more healthy cells out around area. Only problem with that is that it was very close to skin where they took it so there might not be enough for them to get more. Anyhow they booked me in for surgery just in case and surgeon will see me again on 26th to let me know if he is going to go ahead with surgery or not, nothing is just fucking simple!!
I can get used to the lump gone but having to face a mascetomy is scary shit!!! hope it doesnt go that far!
anyhow pretty down about it all, barely sleeping so that doesnt help
until next time
I can get used to the lump gone but having to face a mascetomy is scary shit!!! hope it doesnt go that far!
anyhow pretty down about it all, barely sleeping so that doesnt help
until next time
Monday, August 4, 2008
Argh the pain!!
Feels like someone had ripped the inside of my arm out and grazed it all, and that is exactly what they did! I can feel it all on the inside, the pain is so bad!
I can barely sleep with it, although last night i finally got some sleep but not enough!
Going to my gp later to ask him for some stronger pain killers, panadiene forte isnt even touching it really, very frustrating
So scared about tomorrow, i can handle the lump missing as i can see later when dressed i doubt anyone would tell really, but to have to go back and have it all off would be devastating, of course i want to live first but i hope this thing doesn't fuck me over anymore than it already has!
My gp might of got results from the surgery so maybe able to find out today, will ask him
Anyhow over thinking about it, it's all i friggin think about, but i guess it was only 5 weeks ago when this all started, so early days
Just found a quote to get me through the day 'If your going through hell, keep going'
sounds good and thats what i will do!
need to get some affirmation cards i think
I can barely sleep with it, although last night i finally got some sleep but not enough!
Going to my gp later to ask him for some stronger pain killers, panadiene forte isnt even touching it really, very frustrating
So scared about tomorrow, i can handle the lump missing as i can see later when dressed i doubt anyone would tell really, but to have to go back and have it all off would be devastating, of course i want to live first but i hope this thing doesn't fuck me over anymore than it already has!
My gp might of got results from the surgery so maybe able to find out today, will ask him
Anyhow over thinking about it, it's all i friggin think about, but i guess it was only 5 weeks ago when this all started, so early days
Just found a quote to get me through the day 'If your going through hell, keep going'
sounds good and thats what i will do!
need to get some affirmation cards i think
Friday, August 1, 2008
Late night thoughts
Feeling ok, was pretty bad today, but i done a bit too much, i had the kids running amok while my Mum went out for awhile and they exhausted me, also the numbness is wearing off slowly so the pain is coming, found panadiene forte is helping a lot there, so not so bad
My doctor faxed a script to pharmacy for anti nausea meds, so that was great i didnt have to go there, was just too tired! the nausea was bad though, seems better now but will take another tomorrow, seems worse in the mornings, probably still have drugs in me from hospital
I got more cards today, one from a cousin i haven't seen in many years, so that was nice and another from an internet friend :)
I am so thankful and lucky for those i have around me, i just don't know how it can be done without a solid family and friend base around you? It would drag you down i know that, the little things people do is what keeps me going!
My washing machine died this morning, but again good people come through, my aunty gave me her old one, so was just a minor setback
I am so nervous about this chemo thing, i keep thinking if they did get it all then why am i having it? Well i know why, there could be one cell there waiting to multiple so they want to rid me of anything like that, but what if there are none? would be interested to know the statistics of those who had chemo and those that didnt and the rate of cancer coming back, but i know they are only doing what they think is best so i will just go with what they think in the end
I am going a bit stir crazy being at home though, try to rest but kids are so loud and i feel bad if i go and lay down, not that anyone would care, but i do
So nervous about Tuesday, i have to keep positive though, can't take much more bad news i know that, it has to be good!
Anyhow i am just thankful for all the support and love i am recieving, its amazing really, people do give a shit and the world is a good place, and thats all that matters for now
I am adding a link of the after surgery pic, you can't see anything as i have the rest covered up but look at your own discretion, scary that i have to get all them staples out on tuesday!!
http://img802.mytextgraphics.com/photolava/2008/08/01/afterop-4bdkqg82c.jpeg
My doctor faxed a script to pharmacy for anti nausea meds, so that was great i didnt have to go there, was just too tired! the nausea was bad though, seems better now but will take another tomorrow, seems worse in the mornings, probably still have drugs in me from hospital
I got more cards today, one from a cousin i haven't seen in many years, so that was nice and another from an internet friend :)
I am so thankful and lucky for those i have around me, i just don't know how it can be done without a solid family and friend base around you? It would drag you down i know that, the little things people do is what keeps me going!
My washing machine died this morning, but again good people come through, my aunty gave me her old one, so was just a minor setback
I am so nervous about this chemo thing, i keep thinking if they did get it all then why am i having it? Well i know why, there could be one cell there waiting to multiple so they want to rid me of anything like that, but what if there are none? would be interested to know the statistics of those who had chemo and those that didnt and the rate of cancer coming back, but i know they are only doing what they think is best so i will just go with what they think in the end
I am going a bit stir crazy being at home though, try to rest but kids are so loud and i feel bad if i go and lay down, not that anyone would care, but i do
So nervous about Tuesday, i have to keep positive though, can't take much more bad news i know that, it has to be good!
Anyhow i am just thankful for all the support and love i am recieving, its amazing really, people do give a shit and the world is a good place, and thats all that matters for now
I am adding a link of the after surgery pic, you can't see anything as i have the rest covered up but look at your own discretion, scary that i have to get all them staples out on tuesday!!
http://img802.mytextgraphics.com/photolava/2008/08/01/afterop-4bdkqg82c.jpeg
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