I am halfway finally!!!

Bit of a delayed update but been a bit slack on keeping up on things

Anyhow i am officially half way through now, i was excited to go last week as it meant i was one step closer to this crap being over with! But now i am on a bit of a downer with it, the rest of it seems so far away until its finished as well! then radiotherapy to follow, but still it could be worse i guess

Side effects still suck but not as bad as first few rounds, i feel crap still but i think its just a crap i am getting used too

i am scared re the change over next week though, they assure me side effects are a lot better, but i am not convinced until i see for myself, i sure hope so though!

I have to wear ice gloves with the next four treatments of Taxol, to save my nails, i hope it works as i really like my nails, i have long nails and would like to keep them that way but again another we shall see, bad enough with no hair would suck to have shitty looking hands as well!

My eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning out now as well, so i gather they will go too. I will be the hairless and faceless woman, but it's not forever i guess

I am eating better this week at least, been having cravings so that helps, my body probably decide to crave things so i would eat, anyhow for the moment its bacon, really enjoyed it the other morning, now i want bacon with pancakes and maple syrup, mmmmm, might leave a note here and hope it appears tomorrow morning for me to heat up and eat

otherwise i am over it all in general but i get like that when i feel crap, just hanging for friday to get here so i start to improve again and can leave the house and do something, although it hasnt stopped raining here so feeling crap has worked in well with the weather at least

might try and sleep now, was supposed to go to bed ages ago but ended up stuffing about instead

Here we go again!!

I truly did live in hope that i would be ok this time, how delusional am i!
Someone just said to me "you're not delusional - you're obviously trying to stay in a positive frame of mind - and more power to you, you're not letting it ruin the GOOD times" and they are right! But atm i will have to read that back later as its not working, but was a good way for them to put it out there to make me think differently about it, if that makes any sense

I am in such a horrid angry mood, i just don't want anyone around me, i was tempted to break my mums fingers off when she clapped earlier, i just don't have any patience with anyone when i feel crap! anyhow i have decided to take a chill pill and hope that the anger and tension i feel right now subside a bit

I just want my life back!! I know i have so much to be thankful for, i am thankful for what i have every fucking day! how much more thankful can i be and still get dealt this bullshit???

anyhow hopefully next post isnt as crap as this one

later

What a nightmare this is!!

Tuesday it started to kick in properly as i expected, OMG to how bad it got though

my body was like an acid bath, even my nose burned, i woke up at 3am like i was having a heart attack, like a huge rubber band was around my heart constricting it, and the burning was unbelievable, plus my blood pressure goes so low that i am so dizzy, i can only walk a little bit then have to sit back down

i was supposed to be on tablets for the acid burn but they gave me a rash so couldnt take them, anyhow went to gp and he gave me some other type and they worked thankfully, i think he is worried i am going to take too many of the anxiety pills but i said to him even if i just take them for that week where i feel complete shit, surely my body cant get too used too them, dont need them otherwise

it took me 40mins to make a salad last night for dinner, had to sit down while cutting stuff, was so ridiculous!! i am usually not a get up and go type who is running around anyhow, but you sure realise how much you can normally do when you cant do it

otherwise i slept the whole night last night with no wakeups thankfully, mouth is still crappy but not as bad as last time so far, so i will live in hope the white cells start picking up and i will feel better in the next day or so

just so depressed that i have to keep going back when i know how bad its going to be, but now i have proper acid tablets hopefully next time the burning wont be so bad if i start taking them on the monday, but i think chemo is just more powerful than any tablet when it kicks in anyhow

No hair and feel crap!

Chopped the hair off over the weekend, it was falling out in clumps anyhow, its just really short atm, but the rest of it will go soon i guess

Chemo is kicking in now so feeling crappy, mouth is starting to go and going to have a hard time eating i think, which doesnt help much

otherwise felt ok over the weekend besides yesterday, went to shops and was exhausted, just cant do much at all without being exhausted really

anyhow hopefully only feel a bit off for a few days then ok again

the sleep caps i got are pretty crap, they slide off during the night and are hot anyhow, the wig is ok though and i am used too that

Kids are used to the scarfs already, well havent taken much notice really, so thats good anyhow, too hot too wear the wig around the house all day

till next time

Chemo Day

Was a busy day today, had blood test at 10.30 then had to wait around for 12pm appointment with oncologist, he was good and listened to all the side effects i had and altered drugs to hopefully stop them, we shall see

then i had to have thyroid scan, hoping nothing shows up on that, should know tomorrow if they sent it to my gp like i asked

Then they gave me chill pill earlier so i wouldnt freak out with drip going in, so that kicked in, it still sucked and i yelled out oww a bit but didnt scream like last time

i have a script of them now, so i can take them before i go so they kick in

so legally stoned at the moment, have to say my mind is reasonably blank lol, not even thinking about going to find kangeroos lol, like i wanted too last time

my hair is still steadly falling out, thought i was ready to shave it the minute it started, but i am not ready to do that, so will just let it go until clumps come out then shave it i think, my eyebrows look thinner today as well, so guess they will go too

who is going to check me out now? nonone! well only to feel sorry for me, guess i will get over it

Got a gift today of tyre caps, the things you screw on to cover where the air goes into a tyre, i have no idea what they are called lol, anyhow, they are pink ones and they look cute :) I had planned on pimping my car up so they will look good
thanks to the sender :)

Had up and down days

Friday wasnt too bad, but i overdid it by going shoppping, needed to get out though, friday night i decided to have a few drinks because i felt okish, gee did i pay for that! think i will give that idea a miss for awhile in future, i woke at 5am with the worst heartburn pain and felt like i was going to be sick

then i slept most of saturday away, just felt crap all day

woke up ok this morning and decided i didnt like how the whole house was laid out furniture wise, so DH moved it all :) isnt he nice :)

i am happier now its in its new spots, still have this acid feeling in my stomach and burning tongue, very annoying, but otherwise it was an ok day

hope the rest of the days until next one arent so bad, i am dreading going again because i know i am going to feel like shit again and i wonder as it builds up does it get worse?

Still have the hair so far, i got a really sore scalp last night and had read that could be the first signs of it going, but its still there for now, i am not hopeful it will stay though, although i did flash back to the old duck and her only losing her fanny hairs haha

anyhow someone with some hair extention knowledge was telling me my hair only has to be 3 inches long to get extentions put in, so sounds like i dont have to wait forever once it comes back to get them in, going to start saving soon so i am prepared to run out and get them the second i can!

Got another gift if i didnt mention? cant remember, but was a lovely scarf, some puzzle books a card and a breast cancer pen, was lovely of them to think of me, was perfect timing too as i was having a horrid day that day

anyhow till next time

Feeling a bit better today

Seems average feeling is the best i am going to get, so i will take it

Stomach is very raw atm, forcing myself to eat, guess its better to feel crappy with a fuller stomach than an empty one

I have read a few times now from others who have had chemo, you feel fine the first couple of days then its like you have been hit by a truck, and they are not wrong, its exactly how it feels

I would feel a lot better if my stomach would settle down, but i guess its just a side effect i will have to put up with

I feel like shit!!! officially!!

this sucks!!!

i think is it mind over matter, so i try and fight it with my mind but its not, it just sucks!!!

hopefully the day gets better so the kids have a better day, i cant take them anywhere because i have to keep running to toilet, this is bullshit!!!

anyhow i could say it could be worse, but really i dont see how i could be at this point in time

but the day might improve, can hope for that i guess

Argh!

I so don't want to be one of those complainers, maybe i am already one? i don't know

the last few days hasn't been so great really, but still they could be worse, i could be in bed and not moving, i am close to that energy wise but still not in bed, so thats something i guess

Today i had a craving for mac and cheese, had to have it, so dragged myself off to the shops to get it, and i am exhausted from it, completely exhausted from a short trip to shops!

I am so full now from eating it that i don't feel great either, overdone it i think, but how is going to the damn shop over doing it?

how i am going to amuse a 3 and nearly 2 year old all day tomorrow when it takes me 3 hours to recover from a trip to the shops?

Anyhow i will get there, just a glitch is this bullshit path

My parents went home before, i told them i was fine, i am not really but they need the break i think, anyhow they said to call them if needed and they are not that far away if i do, plus i have others around if needed

whinge over

Still going along

Felt a bit ordinary the last couple of days but nothing massively bad

just aching bones and constant tiredness

no sickness as such so i am thankful for that, i have a constant dry mouth though and that is really annoying me, i hate dry mouths and throats, hope that doesnt get worse

hoping the tiredness wears off, thinking of maybe just pushing forward and just doing things instead of resting, think the resting might be making my tiredness worse? guess i will learn as i go along

not much else to update really

Had Chemo today

Besides me yelling and carrying on about the needle going in, it was ok, didnt feel a thing otherwise, well the stuff is a bit cold but nothing major

they decided i needed a chill pill (cant remember proper name for it) so i chilled well lol, then when leaving i said to Mum that i had cement boots on a walked like i did lol

i feel ok, i am completely stoned still from this chill pill, and wanted to go driving to find kangeroos, then i figured i couldn't really drive having drugs, so i thought i could ride eldest kids pushbike instead, this chill pill works that for sure

anyhow went to bed but cant sleep, must be steroids maybe, and my back is aching badly and i feel a touch sick now, not much, just a touch queasy really, so might try and sleep again

i am so hoping tomorrow i wake up ok, feeling a little crap i can handle but hoping not to wake up sick

oh re the trial they randomised me and i didnt get the drug, i had decided to leave it up to fate so that was ok, and means that after chemo and radio i am done with it all

My nan it seems has breast cancer now, its not confirmed as yet but the report indicated it was cancer, she said to me that the lump will be going with her, and i dont blame her, she is 91 and happy to just leave it be, if it does turn out to be cancer then it would give me a direct family link to it now as well, wish i could of got it at her age rather than mine though, well presuming she has it i would hope neither of us got it at all, but i gather you get my point there

till next time

No chemo today

Got the stomach bug as well so i couldn't have it

On Thursday now instead at 2pm, kinda relieved but also dissapointed that it's not one down already

anyhow at least it wasn't next week for the reschedule time i guess

still feel horrible from this bug, although getting better, so hopefully a day of rest tomorrow and i should be fine for Thursday to go ahead

have to drink heaps of fluids before and after the chemo to get it out of my system fast, hoping my stomach can take the fluids tomorrow anyhow, might try a cordial or something if i can't stomach water so much

anyhow until next time

Late night ramblings

Have been doing ok, stress levels are rising slowly with Tuesday coming up fast, i am running out of patience with the kids and was even a bit snappy to my Mum on the phone tonight

I am still using every possible positive thought i can find to get me through it, but that tiny niggle is still there, what if i am horridly sick for 15 weeks? But mostly my positive thoughts win out and i override it

I heard my husband on the phone the other morning with my aunty and he told her that i started chemo on tuesday and that it took ten minutes etc, i said to him thats radiotherapy not chemo! I think he has no idea at all, might print him out some stuff to read i think, he is starting to slide back to his usual self again. I do give him credit for the effort her put in though, i was shocked it lasted so long, but he needs to slide right back into the effort making ASAP! if he is adding stress to my life instead of helping with it then he may as well not be here

My eldest DS thinks i already had chemo, god i wish!!

My 3 year old DS said that chemo sounds the same as nemo the fish lol

My nearly 2 year old DS has no opinion on it, besides saying sore sore and titches occasionally and trying to rip my top down to look at the stitches that are no longer there

My 3 year old DS had a stomach bug tonight and keeps vomiting and crying and moaning, poor kid! bit worried as i really cant pick anything up pre chemo or they will put it off and i really don't want that to happen, even though i dont want to go at all of course

They randomise me tomorrow for the clincal trial stuff, the computer will tell them if i get the drug or not, they might ring and tell me or i will find out Tuesday, i have decided to just go with whatever happens with it, i am sick of thinking about it, i will leave it in the computers hands

My eldest DS and someone were having a conversation the other day about the after life and what they believed, he was quiet informed for a ten year old but it got me to thinking, i am not a great believer in anything religious, but i believe in other types of things, i don't believe in afterlife really, i think once your done your done, i don't really know enough about religions to know what types support my thinking on the end is the end though, might look it up

anyhow i guess i should go finish the housework that got put off to do all the sick washing instead then try and sleep, i kept one sleeping tablet for tomorrow night as i don't think i will sleep otherwise

i have my parents arriving tomorrow so might not post again until after chemo, i so hope i am not out for too long if at all, positive thoughts all the way!!! calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean

Starting to feel sick with worry now

It's all happening too soon for my liking, Tuesday is not far away at all! Have that feeling in my stomach now, like a nervous tension feeling

But i am using every positive bone in my body to convince myself i will not be sick from this, it can't hurt to try and think positively about it

I still think it's so stupid having chemo when as far as i am aware i am cancer free, i know why i am having it, but still have trouble getting my head around it!

I got a wig, well ordered one the other day, hoping that comes tomorrow so i can test it out

I am taking my eldest out to lunch today while younger ones are at daycare, he has holidays still next week but as i am unsure how i will feel energy wise i thought i would take him out today so he has something enjoyable in his holidays. He is so excited, has asked me constantly what time we are going, and constantly i say 'lunchtime'!

His mate down the road rang earlier to ask him to go to beach with them, he wanted him to ditch me and go with him lol, but he said no, i thought aaww cute, he is not ready to ditch me yet, in a few years that will change, so may as well enjoy it while he isn't ditching me :)

I have been so busy since this stuff happened, running around and trying to get things done, i guess that is one positive in this crap, it got me motivated to get out there and do stuff

Going down to brisbane on sunday to meet a net friend and her family, the my parents arrive sunday and i think saturday my husband has a work opening thing on we might go too, so it means the time will fly till Tuesday! I don't want to go!!!

I am pissed off now

Have to go for the same blood test i already had due to the clinical trial stuff, gggrrr, she said its only a simple blood test, i said needles are not simple to me!!

then she raved about how she is going overseas for some work thing and wont be there when i start chemo, i said well i want to be you then, i will be doing chemo and you will be jetting off somewhere good!! then she said she had to have an injection for her deep vein thrombosis, so really she made it all about her lol

anyhow i am really re thinking this clincal trial stuff, if i do get chosen to have the meds then i am giving up a year of my life for it! i don't know and their is no garantee at all that it will make any difference at all

I was thinking of TTC'ing before all this crap happened and now its all so similiar to pregnancy, re the sickness and i have to take my temp twice a day so will remind me i should be charting and not looking out for signs on infection due to chemo!!

I wasn't firm on the TTC idea but was still nice to have a choice there, i don't now, well maybe later down the track, i said to oncologist would it be possible after treatment and he said more than likely, although no garantees i would stay in menopause, then i asked him if pregnancy could make it worse? he said actually they have found it makes it better in the long term. Anyhow not something i have to think about right now, but i guess i do, if i decide i do want more children and its possible then i don't really want to sign up for 12mths of a drug that i am not sure about.

In reality i think i am just planning ahead of it all so i don't have to think about whats happening now, i probably wont end up with more kids, i would be crazy lol!

Time is going too fast!!!

I want it to slow down, i don't want next tuesday to come along so quickly!!

i bought a wig last night, only a cheap one off ebay but will see how it looks, if its crap then i will just organise to go see wig people, i am kinda thinking i might rather go once my hair falls out now, so its a better fit

not much else happening, life is still normal, new house is going well

A good day

My husband got his payrise today finally, the boss has been hiding from him, so yah for one less stress in my life, he is now on salary, at first when he said figure i thought it was a bit less that he should get, but after factoring in work ute, fuel and phone over the year it is what he actually wanted, so that was good news

And i had plans to go out with one of the mums from one of my forums today, she come over to pick me up, then when we got there i was suprised by a lot of the other mums from the forum, was a lovely surprise, they gave me a hamper filled with goodies and a card, so thankyou very much girls :) It was very much appreciated

so a very good day for me today

actually things in general are better, won't lie, i am shitting myself about this chemo, but not as much as i thought i would be, i know i can't get out of it, so i guess i just have to get used to it and get it over with and hope it's not too bad re side effects for me. My ex BIL is having chemo atm and said to me awhile back that it wasnt too bad, i havent rang him back to ask more because i just have that 'It wasn't too bad' comment swimming around in my head to keep me thinking positively, if it went to shit for him i don't really want to know at this point, maybe after i start but not now

I am such a baby with needles though, so they won't know what hit them with me in their screaming and yelling and hyperventilating, they will have to get used too it because i will never get used to having needles, ever!! had so many over the years and its just as bad every single time for me

Oncologist appointment and moving house update

Well moved house, all went reasonably well, the removalists turned up and they were about 150 years old combined age, their were two of them. I thought oh no this is going to take all day!! the oldest guy who had to be at least 75 was carrying heavy stuff and his little skinny legs were shaking, it was scarily amusing, but they ended up doing a really good and quick job, husband was helping them as well so that sped it all up a bit

anyhow new house is nice enough, but no fans!!! cant believe it, i swore there were fans, so anyhow going to request them and see how i go, very hot upstairs already and its nowhere near summer yet!!

Went to surgeon and oncologist today, surgeon was happy with everything and i will see him again now in 6 mths, although he did say to his doctor re my cancer free results on second surgery that they were all the glass is half empty thinking on it, i thought yeah thanks for the positive thinking guys!!! So i am glad their thoughts didnt come true!

The oncologist mainly concentrated on me going on the clinical trial, i had a bit of a banter with someone online before appointment and rang husband and after talking to them and asking more i decided to agree to it, so i had to have an ECG and blood work done and they will now put me into a computer and it will decide whether i get the drug or not, no placebo in this trial, so i will know if i am getting it or not.
If i get drug then i have it for 12mths, if not i just get monitored for 6 years, as i will if getting drug as well

Chemo starts on 30th, so sucks to have a date, and so soon!!! but i knew it was coming i guess. They went over the side effects and stuff, it is nearly identical to a pregnancy its not funny!! she even said they done a study and found that women who had bad morning sickness seemed to get more sick with chemo treatments, so fingers crossed i go ok, i never got morning sickness with any of my kids, but as with everything no garantee's

anyhow just have to hope i go ok and don't get too sick from it all, going to suck regardless, i just hope the first one isnt too bad because it will be horrid to go back the second time and do it all again knowing its going to be bad!

otherwise not much else happening really, been doing ok mind wise, been busy with the house move etc helped to keep my mind off things and just generally trying to keep busy

Busy day today

Went to a look good feel good session this morning (where you go and they give you tips on applying makeup and a load of free really good makeup for those that dont know)
Anyhow i am sitting there and an older lady sits down, first thing out of her mouth was 'I lost the hair on my fanny and got blisters on my butt!' i said OMG i so dont need to know that! then she started saying more stuff i am was going ssshhh no more and covering my ears! the rest of the table sat in stunned silence lol, was an experience!!
Otherwise it went well, so many younger woman, many more than i expected, we were all suprised by it and all breast cancer too

anyhow seen some wigs and they look great, so natural and you really just cant tell, so will make an appointment with the lady in a few weeks to get one, i told her i wanted to get one that matched my hair extentions so i can still use them but in wig if i want a longer hair look at times, may as well not waste them

Then i went to bloomhill cancer place nearby to sign up, the nurse was lovely and we chatted for an hour or so about stuff and she just signed me up, they offer a lot of stuff there, only place like it in australia she was saying, very tranquil and she said i would probably really benifit from the meditation and yoga stuff to relax me so i can sleep

anyhow also signed up my 10 year old to see the child therapist there, i think it will be good for him in the long term to deal with it all and also signed my Mum up to go there and chat to them, she has been doing everything and needs an outlet herself, so hopefully it helps us all anyhow

I decided something today, i am not going to die of cancer, i will die sure, but not of cancer, so now i have decided that i feel a lot better, i am done with fucking worrying about that part of it. I feel so relieved that i finally decided it with 100% conviction this afternoon!

still so confused re the trial and gene testing etc, but nobody can tell me what to do re the decision so i guess i will just keep mulling it over

The oncologist appointment

Well firstly the good news, the second lot of cells they took at last operation were all clear, woohoo, so he said you are cancer free at the moment, so that was great news that they got it all out

Was a huge appointment re what i have to decide with future treatments etc

Firstly the trial i mentioned was talked about, it is a worldwide thing and is based in sweden, so today i signed a consent for them to send my pathology over to germany to be tested, firstly to check if i am triple negative for sure and also to put me in a computer, the computer will then decide if i am selected to take part in the trial or not, the results will be back within a week, pretty damn fast!

Anyhow if i am selected to participate i have to decide whether i want to or not, if i do then it means i will be given another drug which is already used to treat other cancers, but it would also mean i would have to have treatment with this drug for 12mths, which is like having chemo for 12mths, a lot to take on, and it could make it worse or better, there are no garantee's as its a trial. I have a lot to read up on with the info they gave me on how it all works anyhow

The chemo will start very soon, probably within a few weeks, i will have it once a fortnight for 14 weeks, they decided due to my age that they want to dose me high and that often, they mentioned the port thing, i was dreading that, its a thing they put in your blood vessel or something and it sticks out a bit in your neck and chest i think, but means when you go for chemo they just do it through a port, they said i would be under general to get it put in, i said well i wont have it if i am not! she mentioned a local to get it out later but i will be fighting tooth and nail on that one later down the track to get a general, why suffer if you dont have too!
He also said that my age is a good thing and that younger people seem to respond a lot better to the chemo treatments

He printed me out a graph to show me having chemo vs not having chemo and the odds do increase a bit, although not as greatly for me due to the type i have, but still better than no odds i guess

i will lose all my hair he said and they tried to tell me some people look great bald, i said i dont think so!! wasnt willing to agree on that one, then i asked about my nails and he said they would go brittle, i said but i have really nice nails!! had to add my whinging in there somewhere lol

so anyhow now i have to organise a wig within next 4 weeks as he said about 2 weeks after first treatment my scalp will get itchy my hair will go, but i kinda knew that anyhow so wasnt shocked about it

on a completely different topic, i bought up vitiman D and cancer as i had seen a lot of them together while reading online, he said that there have been so many studies done and they have found that using anything over 15 plus sunscreen is actually worse for you in the long term re melanoma, he said he would never use over 15 plus, he said people cover up way too much and its not good for your skin either, thought that was interesting and worth mentioning

so anyhow the team i met today seems great, they are all so understanding and ask about my family and kids etc, they are just very caring people and thats exactly what you need when dealing with all this

and finally he bought up me getting testing for the BRCA1 (breast cancer gene) as i am really the first in my direct family to have cancer, he said i could have the gene and just be the first to have it, i thought because i had no daughters it wouldnt come into play, but he said even my sons could be affected, re they could be more subseptable to colon cancer and other types of cancers later in life, the dilemma of me being tested is that it could affect them in other ways later in life, he said if i did test positive to it then they could have a lot of trouble ever getting life insurance and other things due to them maybe having more risk of cancer than normal, so a hell of a lot to think about really. I need to research what it means to me if i did test positive though, i wonder re the recent story regarding christina applegate if a radical approach is something i would want to do if i did have it

anyhow sorry to give so much info in one sitting but this is more so that i can look back later and read up on things i forget or want to clarify, so feel free to skim :)

oh and i will definately have the radiotherapy after the chemo

Feeling better about things today

I usually do after i obsess and go a bit crazy over it all, still all i think about but i really need to get off my butt and start living, but i think it's just because its all so up in the air atm, re knowing the treatment plans etc

I still feel good in the fact that i drive myself insane for a day then get over it, thankgod i don't stay down, i don't think you could do it if you couldnt pick yourself back

just so scared that it's not going to work, with chemo being the only option in my case that scares me, with other types there are other options, but i would presume they have relapses just like anyone else

worried about brain cancer now lol, i really am not that helpful to myself at all, but i will get over it again

anyhow will update tomorrow, hopefully with something positive about it all, i really should take someone because i will forget most of it, but i just feel i need to go alone, i have some questions written down so will ask them anyhow

till tomorrow night

Just an overtired rambling post

I have read so much tonight on the type of cancer i have, it's all so damn touch and go no matter how you look at it, any type has a good story vs bad story, so you can't win really, well you can win, i mean re the reading of it all

As for the trial thing i mentioned in previous post, the girl was saying that its a 50/50 chance you could be on the trial, so whether that means you get a fake vs real or just aren't right for it i don't know, guess i will find out monday

I woke up yesterday morning i think it was, i was drowning in my sleep, was scary waking up gasping for breath, but it is how i feel, like i am drowning, it's just all so horrid

When that girl called today i just wanted everyone around me to dissapear, i always feel so numb and just so edgy after calls and appointments that i just want everyone to go away and leave me the hell alone, not that they even do anything, i just feel so smothered surrounded by them all, if i wasnt on pain killers for the stupid headache i had i would of got in my car and just drove around, i do that a lot lately, say i am going to shops and just drive around the neighbourhood for awhile first to just get the hell away

I was looking at my kids tonight and thinking of all the what if's, my nearly 2 year old was going mum mum and i was thinking, imagine not having your Mum around, it would suck, i am thankful i don't know what that feels like at all and i hope my kids never know that feeling either

Anyhow i will feel better about it again tomorrow or later today i should say, i usually do, just have to have to do this downer shit first then i pick myself back up again

Eventually i think it will get better, no matter what the outcome, at some point i just hope you can accept that you can't control it, well i guess at some point you have too

anyhow hopefully i didnt put you to sleep with that crap, something i should be doing myself!!

later

Surgery and results update

Long and probably all over the place today sorry, rushing to get it done while i get two minutes without someone talking to me or yelling!

Surgery was a lot different this time, as in time frame’s, I walked in to the transit lounge and they said I was needed upstairs, so I thought yah (pretty sad when your excited you are going for surgery, but I gather you know what I mean) so went upstairs, signed a form and sat down in waiting area. There was another lady there and she asked what I was having and I told her what I had, she had the same thing, but hers was in her milk ducts and was picked up on a routine mammogram so she said she just went straight for the mascetomy, they wanted to take half her breast though, so I said If I had the option of taking half or all I would of went with the whole lot as well

Anyhow then they called me in, was so quick, before I knew it I was on stretcher in anaesthetist’s room, then we argued lol. He was hopeless and I told him so! He got the needle in then I was yelling and carrying on as he missed the vien, I said don’t tell me you didn’t get it right! Then he was going mmm, ohhh and making all these stupid noises, I said ‘Would you stop making them noises and try and think positive and do it right!! He then tried again and stuffed it up again, so I was screaming and yelling at him, then finally he got the damn thing in, he said I could of got a student in, I said well go get one as they probably have fresh experience!!

The other guy come in after that and said they could hear me screaming through the halls, I said well he wasn’t good at it, I am a bitch lol, I am sure he was trying his best, but it was my arm he was stuffing around with!

On a stranger note, the older anaesthetist was outside with me and the nurse said she would put me in the computer as a statistic, and I said well I hope you mean a live one! And he said well anything can be arranged here, but that wasn’t the strange part, he commented on my file being thick and I said yeah I have had a couple of kids here, then he said well at least you not on volume 6 yet, he said some old people just wont die! He said they are 108 and keep kicking, they just wont die! That was a worry, I think I am going to keep my eye on a lot of old people suddenly dying at that hospital, hopefully he just had a dark kind of humour or something!

Anyhow woke up in recovery and had pretty low blood pressure so they had to lay me kinda upside down to try and fix that, I felt ok just woosy

I was in pain so they gave me something for that, but it wasn’t horrid pain, just pretty sore

Then I was determined to get out of there so I asked them if I could try sitting up, so done that for awhile then had a sandwich and drink and got up to get dressed and then felt a bit better, well out of it but better, they rang mum to come and pick me up at 3.30pm, I was walking sideways out of there lol, I knew I was but couldn’t control where I walked, anyhow got home and went to bed and slept until the kids were so noisy they woke me up, just felt really out of if for a few days and a bit of pain but nothing much really

So have an appointment with surgeon again on the 16^th of September, was going to ring them on Monday to find out results of pathology as I wasn’t waiting two weeks, but got a call this afternoon

The girl said they needed to see me on Monday, not my surgeon but the cancer specialists, so I panicked, thought straight away that they were going to operate again, she said no, you wont have anymore ops, so that was a relief, but anyhow at my hospital your case goes before a multi disciplinary board to discuss your case, includes my surgeon, my gp, oncologists and nurses I guess

Anyhow she said I have triple negative breast cancer, which is uncommon and they cant just give me the hormone therapy as they normally would, as it wouldn’t do anything really anyhow, so that was great!! I can’t just have a normal friggin type, have to have some uncommon type, she said its not rare but not something they see often. So they want to race me in as they are considering me for a new drug trial and need to organise it all ASAP if that happens. I will still have chemo, which hopefully it responds too and radiotherapy and not sure how the trial drug works in if they decide to go ahead on that one, I will find out more Monday

So if I decide to go ahead with trial then they have to send my pathology stuff to another lab to be sure that it is triple negative cancer and then go from there I guess, she said the trial thing was exciting, exciting how? I wasn’t one bit fucking excited!

i wonder though if they got the triple negative reading off the new cells they took then wouldn't that mean that it didnt come back clear re the extra stuff they took, worrying!

She also said my GP had told them that I had young kids, so of course I jumped to the conclusion that maybe I was fucked and he said it was sad re I had young kids, but someone said to me maybe he meant that I had young kids and might not be able to get in that fast, re Monday, so maybe that is the case, sounds better anyhow

So of course I Dr Googled and checked out what sort it was and read the word deadly if it comes back, but have decided cancer is cancer is cancer, doesn’t matter where I have it, its scary shit and could come back, I could have had any of them and it could still come back, I guess I cant control that, but doesn’t stop me thinking about it just the same

Anyhow I will know more Monday and will have the stress headache I have until then and well probably for years after that! The pharmaceutical industry is sure benefiting from me financially with the pain killers I buy!

This sucks no matter what way you try and look at it!

I have the look good, feel good thing on Tuesday, so hopefully that is ok, well should be, free makeup can’t hurt I guess and trying on wigs should be interesting

I am going to go to the local cancer place sometime next week, keep putting it off, but hard re moving house as well, just hope Monday I am not driving home sobbing, hopefully it’s a productive thing

Until Monday

Surgery date is coming up so fast!

The time has flown by, Monday isn't far away at all

I am kinda down that i have to go back again, but more so because i am nervous that the results wont be clear, but i try and keep thinking that when i was first diagnosed the surgeon said i had a very slow growing type of cancer, so i have to hope that it would mean it was gone and its just a precaution type of thing, still have to try this and hope for the best rather than jump straight to a mascetomy

My breast is so swollen up still, the surgeon said it fills up with fluid and that eventually it will sink in, bummer, because its looking pretty damn good, it wont after monday though :(

God i hope this is it re surgery though, its just the process i dread so much, will get there at 10am again and then probably wait until god knows when to get the op, i know thats just the way it is, but because i have done it before i know its going to be so friggin mind numbing there, anyhow no choice in the matter i guess

I have been keeping busy and it's doing me the world of good, today i thought about it as i always do but not as much, went out all day and night today and it was good to just get out there, i was sitting around wallowing in it and i knew i was, so getting out a couple of times this week was helpful and i shall try and stick to it now, need to keep myself sane

Had big drama's with finding another house, found a perfect house which was a lease take over and got approved no problems, then the next day the tenant decided not to break their lease, gggrrr, i was so pissed off because i had rang and cancelled another application i had in. Anyhow the same agent approved me on two houses and told me to choose, one being the one that fell through that i had chosen, so we just swapped to the other one, exact same house but on a smaller block, really would of preffered the other one for the big money its going to cost us! anyhow maybe the other one was just meant to be

On better news my husband done a terrific job on a project at work so hit them up for more money, they seemed open to the idea and they are having a meeting next week, i sure hope he gets what he wants because we will need it with the massive rent increase we are taking on

Rent prices here are beyond ridiculous, i looked at an older style single storey home, nothing fancy about it, then for 10 dollars extra i am getting a two storey near new condition home, it just doesnt make sense, stupid how they work out pricing i think

So anyhow we are moving on the 12th of September, so at least i will get some recovery after operation on monday before the moving date, the owners here have been great and i have really appreciated that they extended my moving out date to help me out re recovery for this next op

I am thinking i wont have much trouble re recovery this time around, it was the lymph node removal that caused me all the pain and grief last time, so hoping its simple, hopefully i am not kidding myself anyhow

My parents are arriving back tomorrow, they are still not well and i didnt want them to come back, i said its day surgery and that my husband could just take the day off for it, but Mum wouldnt listen and is coming back down anyhow, i understand that she feels she has to be here to help me and thats great, but if she doesnt look after herself first then where will i be? Noone can get through to her though, i told her she is crazy!

Anyhow hopefully Monday is simple, i am just worried though that as soon as i go back the week after they will then start organising chemo, that i am not ready for and never will be!!! scary shit that i dont want to face at all

Heard today that a friend of mine might have cervical cancer, i really hope that she gets some good results if they do more invasive testing, poor thing at first thought she was pregnant then they said she might have liver cancer, then said her pancreas is not functioning properly and now this, will have to ring her to find out more but i doubt she knows more until further tests anyhow, scary time for her!

thinking of testing i must remember i have to get my thyroid scanned, can someone who talks to me online remind me to find my referral for that, i keep forgetting about it, guess i should go get it checked out, they thought a cyst but wanted to investigate further, i think i put it in the i dont want to face that just yet basket

guess i should go sleep, i have a sore throat and wasnt feeling great earlier, hope i am ok tomorrow as i really just want to get the op crap over with, actually i just wish this would go away!

fingers crossed they dont try and kill me with morphine this time, well it wont kill me but it made me pretty stuffed up, so hopefully i dont deal with that again anyhow, still considering writing it on me but i probably wont

anyhow seeya on the other side of the operation day

Surgeons appointment

Well yesterday i had pre admission clinic and that was so friggin mind numbing, i was there for 4 hours! even though i done it all just 4 weeks ago i had to do it again, so surgery is 1st of September as planned
As for the morphine, i mentioned it again and me being allergic, he said oh i will note it again, like that helped last time!!

went to surgeons appointment today, doctor come in and said hi to me and said surgeon would be along shortly
for weeks they have been telling me that they needed to get more cells as margins were not big enough surrounding tumour and they wanted more, was prepared for that

he comes in and says he will cut the scar out, as in the whole section of skin and cells and that my breast would probably drop down and look completely different than it does now, then he said was i happy with that, i said well i dont have a choice! he said well you do, you could just have a mascetomy, mmm yeah great fucking choice, deformed breast or no breast, who the hell wants to make that decision!! then he said i would just stay the day for the surgery, which didnt really bother me, no friggin snoring patients suits me fine!!
But after i left i freaked out, it was so much more major than they had said to me earlier, my gp who is mates with the surgeon had said to me surgeon was not worried at all that cancer was in further cells that they would take out, but then today he said it was really close and it could be, so fuck knows!

anyhow i left in a bit of a daze, wasnt expecting any of that, i freaked out a bit and ranted and raved to someone on msn and decided to ring the breast care nurse at hospital to see if i had a mascetomy would i still have to have chemo etc, she said due to the type i have which is estrogen negative,(i thought it was positive, but anyhow), that i would have chemo regardless of what op i had and she explained things a bit better to me so i felt a bit better about things, well as better as you can feel

so now back to the waiting game, operation on monday, waiting on pathology and hoping its all clear and then on to the next part i guess

I am not worried about them taking more breast really as i want to live as my first option and i can wear tops and noone can tell, but a mascetomy is a whole other ball game, i keep thinking of how hot it is here and having to wear fuller tops to cover it all up, hope i dont have to worry about it anyhow

as for all the sick people, they are finally better, thankgod!!

applied for a couple of houses to move to over last couple of days, should hear about one tomorrow, really just dont care about it at all though, so much else to think about

on a positive note my doc gave me some sleeping pills that actually work!! so i am sleeping properly, once i get a few nights of good sleep i will feel a bit more with it as well i would presume

On better news i recieved a parcel of goodies from an online friend the other day, so thankyou for that :)

I don't think anyone that sends me cards and gifts and just listens to me realises how much that means, it keeps me upright and going forward, i dont know what i would do without you all really, so thankyou again for just being there :) I dont really talk to anyone in real life about it, i do re the medical stuff but not the this is how i feel right now, so its a wonderful thing i have where i can just get online and pour it all out and people listen and care

After every appointment i walk away so drained, so its great to come back online and pick myself back up

anyhow until next time

Finally things are getting better again

Got news today that the owners are now happy to let me stay here until the end of september due to me having further surgery, so that was really nice of them, i will still probably move in 3 weeks anyhow but nice to know they done that

kids are starting to get better, well tonights air will let me know for sure, but i sure hope so, took my mum to her docs today, he has her on drugs now so hopefully she is better in a day or so and my dad not long after, then we can just get on with it all

looking at rentals this week so hopefully something shows up and its a simple processs

have trouble with my arm, i might have to go get that looked at when i get time, just really sore and still swollen even after it got drained, might just need it again, not sure

the time is flying by! kinda sucks because next week is filled with the surgery stuff appointments, coming up way too quickly! i am really pissed off i have to go back again, hopefully it's just a day surgery this time though, we shall see

Same shit, different day!!

They are all still so sick, when will it end?

I have spend so much money on medicine's etc over last week, nothing seems to improve them anyhow, its the worst virus i have ever seen, been 5 days for mum and she is only just improving a bit now and the rest are still bad, my dad hasnt got out of bed in two days or more

As for medical stuff, got my underarm drained today, 700mls! no wonder it was so sore, but its still bloody sore as tonight even after they drained it

I looked at a rental today, was ok, but not really what i want, so looking at another one tomorrow, something will come along anyhow, so not looking forward to it at all though, and my agent rang me today pressuring me to give her a move out date, the bitch knows everything and that i am having more surgery, doesn't seem to affect her day anyhow, oh well what goes around comes around or however it goes

otherwise life is shit with all this crap happening, no more medical stuff until next tuesday with the surgeon, gggrrr that they didnt get enough the first time!!

No sleep yet again!!

This truly is bullshit!!!

Most of them are still sick and i am exhausted from looking after them all, especially seeing as sleep seems to be an optional extra in my life lately

I am so tired, and everyone is coughing, it's driving me fucking insane!

Supposed to be looking for a house to move to in 11 days, blah, so could not be bothered at all, i look but i don't care at all

my underarm is still really swollen up, but i am too tired to go anywhere to get it drained so will just have to put up with it until tomorrows appointment at hospital

anyhow this week better improve and i would presume kids will be home tomorrow from daycare, have to go to hospital and my parents are still both sick, hope mum is better so she can watch them while i go, just hope i can drive with this big swollen underarm! gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

A house full of sick people!

5 out of 7 people are sick, i am thankful i am not one of them, i am just exhausted from looking after the rest of them!

had to ring an ambulance for my mum on thursday morning as she was really bad, had a migraine and some vomiting thing, they come out but she decided not to go in as they said they would only give her a drip and not much else, so she has been in bed since, been giving her hydrating drinks and icepacks etc, she seems to perk up then goes down hill again, hope she is better soon

then thursday i got a call from daycare that 1.5 year old had vomited and had a high temp, so went and got him, he has been sick since, he was just screaming and screaming, finally the nurofen kicked in and he is asleep, poor kid!

the 3 year old got hit with it on friday, its a horrid virus!

10 year old has a cold and bad cough, so coughs all night, driving him insane, tried a couple of medicines but they dont seem to do much for it, hopefully tonight he gets some relief and my ears as well

I haven't got it and i refuse to get it! I just recovered from the surgery when mum went down so i am exhausted from looking after everyone else

My arm is swollen, like i have an apple under it, full of fluid, the pressure is starting now, so that sucks, if its still bad tomorow i will go to medical centre or hospital to get it drained before tuesday appointment

I am not sleeping hardly at all, i try and try to sleep but nothing, tried sleeping pills, AD's and pain killers, not a thing makes me drowsy, i fall into an exhausted sleep around 3 - 4 am! driving me crazy!

anyhow i have decided everyone is going to be better by monday afternoon!

I have to find a house to move in two weeks, i am so not interested at all, last thing i want to do is bloody move, the joy or renting i guess though, just sucks spending so much money to move to the same suburb! i will just apply and if i get them i get them, i really don't care at all about it, so many other thing to worry about

anyhow next week is going to be a good week, we have had enough shit weeks now!

Can't sleep! yet again

I had life long insomnia before all this so i am kinda used to it, but i am exhausted!

It's so weird, i keep thinking, what do i say to people, it seems so strange now, i had an operation and as far as it goes they got all the cancer out, so in theory i am cancer free and fine. But then i have to go and have another op and chemo etc just in case, seems so weird to say i have breast cancer, when really as far as i know i don't anymore!

Sick to death of thinking about it really, it's all i can think about though

And i am scared of what's to come, i am starting to feel physically fine again after the last op, and now i have to go back into the unknown again, wish this was just it! I could deal with that just fine!

And i decided i am going to organise a wig soon just in case, i have never looked in the mirror and thought wow wonder what i would look like bald or wow i might shave my head for something different! And i figure i would rather do it while i have my hair and it's not so confronting if that time does come

It all sucks, i still laugh and i am still me, but it sucks!! What if i die from this? sure it won't be tomorrow so probably shouldn't be thinking about it, but it's very confronting when something like this happens to you, you don't have a choice but to consider the what if's of it all!

anyhow might try and sleep i guess

until next time

Another day and another doctor's appointment

Had to go to hospital again for doctor's clinic, to get the wound drained, they got less this time so hopefully it means its slowly fixing itself, the operation will go ahead she said, i still have to see surgeon on 26th but from what she said it will happen anyhow

I asked them about driving, she said if i think i can avert things fine then i can, but she would rather i didn't for now, she said it would be dangerous for myself and others, i said 'oh don't worry i won't test it in my own car' then she said so what type of car will you be driving so i can avoid you? I said 'where is your car parked?' She found that amusing

so anyhow no idea when i can friggin drive again!!!

Reasons i want to drive again:

My Mum drives like a maniac!
My Mum sings along to songs, if i wanted to hear her sing i would make a friggin cd of her!
And if she doesn't know the words, she whistles instead, aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
And then i can get out of here, even to drive down the supermarket would be fine, just to go out alone!
anyhow i might try driving locally and see how i go, so watch out if you live near me lol

So anyhow i have doctors at hospital again next week, blah, then the 25th at pre admission clinic again! then surgeon on the 26th, then op on the 1st of September

Oh i said to doctor i am going to write on my chest, NO MORPHINE THANKS! Sadly she agreed with me, not a good sign!!!

anyhow not much else happening, pain is really good now, still a slight ache but managable, the pain was really getting me down

till next time

Got a new surgery date

gggrrrr, the surgery might not happen but the doc seemed to think it might go ahead for them to have another look if they can get more cells, anyhow 1st of September if it goes ahead

Got all the staples out today at gp's and they drained 400 mls of fluid out of my arm etc, such a relief, i was up until 5am in pain with it! hopefully i sleep tonight!

on better news, i got another parcel today from a website, with some lovely gifts and letter and money, so thankyou to those people involved in that :)

otherwise went to shops today for the first time in ages, was nice to look around but i was exhausted after a short while, thought i would be fine by now, but did read you can be tired for weeks after, so i guess it makes sense

Got myself a portable dvd player so i can watch dvd's in bed to try and sleep easier, need that noise so i am not thinking but music is no good for me to try and sleep too, will have to get some boring doco's lol, then later i can take it to treatments with me to watch movies and tv shows i have to keep my mind busy if i dont want to listen to music

anyhow till next time

Worried but thankful as well

In a bit of a panic, found a funny bit of skin on my other breast last night, its like a scabby bit of skin that wasnt there before, now i am worried that there is something there as well!! could be nothing but fuck like i need more to worry about! It sort of felt like a tiny lump last night but seems flat again today, will show my gp tomorrow anyhow, god i hope its nothing and i scratched it or something

On better news i recieved a money order from a website i go too today, in a bit of shock, thankyou so much for them for rallying around and organsing it, couldn't of come at a better time girls! so thankyou :)

Pain level is getting better, managable dull ache now, trying not to take any pain killers today to give my body a rest from them, might make me stop feeling nauseas anyhow

talk more later

ETA: i am probably seeing too much into it, but still worrying slightly, will show gp tomorrow anyhow

more info about today

I just done a quick post earlier to everyone could be updated on what happened

I got every second staple out today and that tape coming off was bad but they let me take it off myself, the breast nurse said she didnt want to take the staples out, i thought she meant she hadnt done it before! So i panicked and said my dr will do it then, but she had done it hundreds of times lol, she just thought surgeon might not want them out yet! Anyhow that relieved my mind, she then put some dressing on me then ripped it back off, i said you done that to get your kicks didn't you lol, she refused to admit it lol

Anyhow i will definately have chemo and radiotherapy now, i knew chemo was for sure and was pretty sure radiotherapy would happen, so wasn't that shocked really by it

i cant drive still, they said they want it to be fully healed before i drive as i could end up ripping it back open, ouch to that idea!!

I mentioned how nauseas i still am each day and the pain, they said the nausea is probably from the hospital drugs, must take awhile to get out of your system

As for the pain it was relieved to managable pain when they drained 300mls of fluid out of my arm today, its still pain but nowhere near as severe now, they weren't even going to drain it as i looked fine, not puffy really, glad they decided to look anyhow, didnt feel a thing with that anyhow

so now i have physio tomorrow, my gp friday for the rest of staples out and then surgeons rooms again next tuesday to see if it needs draining again, i wanted a friggin job!! not 5 docs appointments a week!

i am pretty down still about it all, trying to stay positive but it's hard some days, but i don't stay down for too long, the pain easing up a bit has helped my frame of mind

oh also they said they took 30 nodes from under my arm and only 3 were cancerous, so that was good news, and if i do get another op it will be too try and get more healthy cells so the clear (cancer free cells) margin is bigger, they havent mentioned mascetomy as yet, hope they don't

Someone asked if chemo and radio should clear up any cells left anyhow, i think they would but i think they like to get it all that they can see, and the chemo and radio is just to get anything that might be hidden in my body, its a just in case thing really, i could have no further treatment and be fine forever, but not a risk i am willing to take!

And finally at this moment in time, i am CANCER FREE!!!! so that is good news!!!

The results appointment

Got mixed result today, they did get it all out but they were not happy with the clear margin they got, it was only 1mm. So i may need more surgery, which would take more healthy cells out around area. Only problem with that is that it was very close to skin where they took it so there might not be enough for them to get more. Anyhow they booked me in for surgery just in case and surgeon will see me again on 26th to let me know if he is going to go ahead with surgery or not, nothing is just fucking simple!!

I can get used to the lump gone but having to face a mascetomy is scary shit!!! hope it doesnt go that far!

anyhow pretty down about it all, barely sleeping so that doesnt help

until next time

Argh the pain!!

Feels like someone had ripped the inside of my arm out and grazed it all, and that is exactly what they did! I can feel it all on the inside, the pain is so bad!

I can barely sleep with it, although last night i finally got some sleep but not enough!

Going to my gp later to ask him for some stronger pain killers, panadiene forte isnt even touching it really, very frustrating

So scared about tomorrow, i can handle the lump missing as i can see later when dressed i doubt anyone would tell really, but to have to go back and have it all off would be devastating, of course i want to live first but i hope this thing doesn't fuck me over anymore than it already has!

My gp might of got results from the surgery so maybe able to find out today, will ask him

Anyhow over thinking about it, it's all i friggin think about, but i guess it was only 5 weeks ago when this all started, so early days

Just found a quote to get me through the day 'If your going through hell, keep going'

sounds good and thats what i will do!

need to get some affirmation cards i think

Late night thoughts

Feeling ok, was pretty bad today, but i done a bit too much, i had the kids running amok while my Mum went out for awhile and they exhausted me, also the numbness is wearing off slowly so the pain is coming, found panadiene forte is helping a lot there, so not so bad

My doctor faxed a script to pharmacy for anti nausea meds, so that was great i didnt have to go there, was just too tired! the nausea was bad though, seems better now but will take another tomorrow, seems worse in the mornings, probably still have drugs in me from hospital

I got more cards today, one from a cousin i haven't seen in many years, so that was nice and another from an internet friend :)

I am so thankful and lucky for those i have around me, i just don't know how it can be done without a solid family and friend base around you? It would drag you down i know that, the little things people do is what keeps me going!

My washing machine died this morning, but again good people come through, my aunty gave me her old one, so was just a minor setback

I am so nervous about this chemo thing, i keep thinking if they did get it all then why am i having it? Well i know why, there could be one cell there waiting to multiple so they want to rid me of anything like that, but what if there are none? would be interested to know the statistics of those who had chemo and those that didnt and the rate of cancer coming back, but i know they are only doing what they think is best so i will just go with what they think in the end

I am going a bit stir crazy being at home though, try to rest but kids are so loud and i feel bad if i go and lay down, not that anyone would care, but i do

So nervous about Tuesday, i have to keep positive though, can't take much more bad news i know that, it has to be good!

Anyhow i am just thankful for all the support and love i am recieving, its amazing really, people do give a shit and the world is a good place, and thats all that matters for now

I am adding a link of the after surgery pic, you can't see anything as i have the rest covered up but look at your own discretion, scary that i have to get all them staples out on tuesday!!
http://img802.mytextgraphics.com/photolava/2008/08/01/afterop-4bdkqg82c.jpeg

The surgery

Got there at 10am and went to transit lounge, said at the time what a crock that was, naming something like that the transit lounge, I wasn’t going on a fancy trip lol

Anyhow waited and waited and waited!! Finally about 1.30pm got called in, parents left and then they got me to change into gown and funky operation boots and they give you a warmed up blanket, the other people from the other waiting room were in the new waiting room, we all refused to watch ready, steady cook and asked for it to be changed, by this point I would of taken a sandwich out of a little kids had if they walked by! I realised I would be shit at a 40 hour famine as well! Anyhow still waiting and waiting and about 5pm or something I got called for surgery, then I went to another waiting area, was used to the waiting by now though! I would gather that there was some emergencies that come in for it to take so long, anyhow finally it was my turn

They took me into the anenetheologists (crap spelling) room to be sedated, we talked about how I can’t have morphine and how I react a bit to it etc, anyhow then they gave me drip etc, didn’t hurt really, I told him he was good! Then they put a pretty pink hat on me, I said if I was at mcdonalds right now I would give Ronald mcdonald a run for his money!

Then into operating theatre, I remember them saying they were giving me stuff to make me sleepy and pain meds

Then I remember waking up gasping for breath, the girl was talking to me, she said I had reacted to the drugs and was not breathing while I was asleep, so they kept having to wake me up to get me to breath, they gave me morphine!! She said they could reverse it all but I would be in severe pain so was better for it to just work through my body, they gave me fluids in drip I guess as I had one later on me, my family had been ringing constantly but nobody could find out where I was, because I was still in recovery, I remember the girl saying to someone I can’t leave her, she needs to stay here while she is like this, then they took me up to a ward, I was in kids ward as there were no beds available, I heard them say to the staff there that they wanted to put me in a room near reception desk and I heard them say sleep apnea, they put me in the furthest room from the desk, yep thanks for that!

When I arrived my husband was there and I said how did you know I would be here? Doh lol

Anyhow I remember he said to me that he took our youngest son to docs because daycare thought he had foot and mouth something or other, I said fuck tell me about this later, he was fine anyhow and it was just a pimple and a scratch!

My husband offered to stay the night to watch me with my breathing when I said they put me so far away from the nurses, but I said to go home as he had to work in the morning

I had a lovely nurse in the end who ended up staying with me, I remember waking up gasping for breath, was scary! I yelled at lady across from me to shutup snoring lol, I said to nurse is that a man or a woman, why are they snoring so loud? Tell them to shutup lol, poor woman! Although she kept me up the next night as well and she couldn’t wait to tell me that I yelled out in my sleep, pfft for 5 mins compared to her snoring for hours lol

In the end they gave me a morphine tablet, I said to her it’s got morphine in it! But she said I would be fine, so I took that and got some sleep at about 1am or something, so was a huge day! They couldn’t turn my light off because they were monitoring me, so turns out I am allergic to intravenious morphine but can take it in tablet form

I remember too coming back to room and there was a huge bunch of flowers there, I asked the nurse is they were ugly and I was crying saying they are so ugly, we had a laugh the next day about it though, they were beautiful but for some reason I decided I hated them at the time

The next day I was ok, well a lot better than the night before, sore and nauseas the whole time

No pain really though, I have a big cut around right side and one sort of under my arm, but they are both numb so far, hope they stay that way for awhile

Anyhow that’s all I can think of for now, there is probably more but I cant type much more for now

forget to add that i find out on tuesday if they got it all, i hope so, if not then i go back for a mascetomy, if they got it all then chemo will be next, not sure when as yet, probably in the next month

also forgot to add, my 3 year old said did they get all the bad cells mum and leave the good ones there, i said yes i think so, he said good, was cute lol, he is a smart 3 year old

Happy Birthday to me!!

Well not that exciting lol, turning 36 not 5 i guess lol, but anyhow, got nice presents and a lovely card from husband and lots of online well wishes, so was nice

My Dad is better, although still mincing words a little and tablets are knocking him around, but hopefully he gets there soon, otherwise he is fine

Got my surgery time for Monday, well time i have to be there, at least its not 6.30am now, 10.30am instead, hope i dont have to wait around too long before op, going to be a shitty wait anyway i look at it

next time i post in here will be after op, mmm, not good, but has to be done, but realisitically after monday i will be cancer free, even though i have to have chemo etc just incase there is a dot they cant see. I could still have to have mascetomy if the margins around cancer cells are not clear, but will just have to deal with that if it happens, just hope i can get chicken fillet to lift breast up to still have same cleavage when dressed, i can handle that

not much else happening, hope that things just go well and my recovery is ok

A more upbeat update today!

My Dad had a stroke it seems, but his speech is fine again after they hit him with really strong meds, so hopefully it fixes what caused it

Got some money in to cover moving expenses, so yah to that, what a relief!!!

got heaps of packing and organising done today

my brothers gf come over and got stuck in as well, was so nice of her

got another gift as well today, a lovely card and a wish card, so thanks for that as well :)

had morning tea with a friend from a forum i go too and that was nice to just have a chat and get out of the house for a little while this morning

so all up a better day, just had to share that it aint all shit :)

Surgeon's appointment update

Well what a few days it has been, i have to think i have a curse on me or i have done something horrible to someone, i thought i was nice, but maybe not!

I will just list them in point form

*My Dad started slurring his speech and had to go to hospital, i rang and they were home!! i was so pissed off at my mum for not just not listening to him and ringing an ambulance, anyhow he has now been airlifted to a major hospital and is having tests, so far they think he had a bleed in his brain due to an irregular heart beat in his upper heart chamber, i am just praying that he gets well with medication. I do believe it was stress that caused it though, worrying himself sick over me, holds it all in! I just don't want him to die! He just can't, not for a long while yet!!

*Husband put his tax in and we owe 3000 dollars!!! argh, so no money to move house with, well hopefully will soon, but i was hoping to get even a little back

*I have to pack up most of my house by Sunday as i won't be able to do jack shit after the operation for awhile

*I picked up my 3 year old from daycare and the teacher says he has a rash, i presume a bum rash or something, she pulls his pants down and he has a rash that looks like severe sunburn from his underwear line down to his thighs! she said we tried to call you, i said did you try my mobile? no! i said fuck! and said after my day this is all i need and walked out, but i am going to complain and get them to take my friggin home number off the contacts all together, i was really annoyed as this is the second time they have not tried to contact any other numbers

Medical Stuff:
Went for pre admission appointment, was again pretty well on time and not too bad, i seen about 5 people, a nurse, anesthesiologist, pharmacist, junior doctor from surgeons team and had to have a blood test

They were all pretty good, mainly they all just check and double check what medication you take and then talk about what will happen with surgery etc

was a bit annoyed as the junior doctor wanted to look at lump and i mentioned it was very sore, he said usually if they are sore they are benign, so for a second he gave me false hope, then i got back to reality and thought i will go with the pathology results i think! he really shouldnt of said that to me though

Anyhow between appointments was when i sorted my parents out to go to hospital over the phone, so i was worried sick about my Dad and worried sick i would go to next appointment with surgeons team and find out something bad! was a horrible time

Anyhow the appointment was ok, they found a small cyst on my liver, the doctor seemed confident that is all it was. Also found a small cyst on my thyroid, she decided to send me for an ultrasound for that one, but she said no rush, so i didn't rush, haven't had it yet

i mentioned all that had happened to me and family and she agreed i had a curse on me lol, thanks Doc

I mentioned about moving, last time i went there they said i would fine, this time she said no there is no way you could help, argh!!

So i am stressing about my Dad, my operation, My mum who is in the middle of us both dealing with it, packing up most of the house in days, going to look for houses while in recovery, applying for them etc, and just generally stressing about everything atm, it sucks

but i am still laughing each day and keeping some positives in there, it cant all be negative, its just not me, although i am starting to sound very negative with what i post, but i guess i am entitled to them feelings

anyhow just in a somber mode, so scared of this operation, and all the things that will come after it

anyhow will update before operation, not sure how i will go typing after op, we shall see, i hope i can type, how else can i vent and not go mental, will have to ring people instead lol, watch out!!

A tiring weekend!

Ended up bringing my birthday a week forward and ended up having a huge weekend, so glad i didnt do it next weekend pre surgery, so will just have a quiet night for my birthday

Got more gifts again today, still can't believe it when i get stuff, its so lovely that people all over Australia are still thinking of me each day

I have been worried about tomorrow's sugeons appointment, but trying not to think about it too much, i have been ok over weekend due to drinking or being hungover lol, but today my stomach has that scared sinking feeling, starting to worry now its closer

I am so hoping that its only in them two spots, actually i am relying on it very heavily, i don't know how i will cope if there is more somewhere else, my mind can only take so much of this shit!

overall i am good though, at least i am only freaking out mostly the day before stuff, i am trying very hard not to obsess over it, but i think i will tonight as it becomes even closer

Keep thinking this time next week i will be in hospital recovering from the op and then the rest begins

Seems like it was a few years ago when i last seen surgeon, it was only 2 weeks ago, time has gone all weird on me

I am pretty bitter about the chance that i will never have kids again, can't really let that go, i know what i have, but i am just angry that my choice may get taken away for good, its not fair at all! Even if i was not having anymore, at least in the back of my mind i usually would know that well if i changed my mind that option is there, anyhow i will ask them more about what will happen tomorrow re that, i will probably freak husband out, but too bad, its my body not his that its happening too

Things going through my mind lately are:

Is having all this after treament (ie Chemo etc) an overkill?
If they get clear margins then why do i need to go through it all?
What would happen if i didnt have further treatment?
Would it come back more agressively?

At the end of the day i will do it all, but i have to think about it all and ask the questions why? it makes me feel more empowered about what is happening if i have all the information telling me why i should do this or that

I was reading a study last night, it said they studied so many woman for 5 years and those who ate a good diet full of fruit and vegetables had a much lower rate of reoccurance, so i am thinking a whole diet change sure can't hurt

I still won't accept that this was sent me to make stronger or wake me up or whatever, fuck that i say, i was happy being me, was grateful every morning when i opened my eyes for my family and its health, so its bullshit really!

Trying so hard today to see the positives in life!!

I am usually a pretty positive type of person, i have my days where i think argh but usually i can find something to bring me back up

But today it was yet another thing to add to my list of crap, a big tax debt!

I am thinking what have i done? why all this crap at once

Breast cancer, having to move and a big tax debt, argh

Usually pre all this shit i could think oh well things could be worse, but i can't think of how it could get much worse at the moment, god i hope it doesn't!

anyhow on to my positive thoughts

I could be nearly over this crap by xmas or just after and we all know how fast xmas creeps up on us, so that is a good thing

My children are healthy and happy, well most of the time, my poor little 1 year old had to get stitches yesterday, he had a fall at daycare and split his skin just above his lip, was gaping a bit so doc said he needed stitches, he screamed and screamed, but the doctor was fast and said he should just get a thin scar now

I have a great support network around me, people who are willing to put their life on hold along with me to get this done!

I got more gifts again today as well, so lovely that people are still thinking of me and sending stuff, so again something to be thankful for

so i guess even if it all feels like shit right now, it could actually be worse

just self talking here to get myself over it all

Ok back to medical crap

had bone scan yesterday, went ok, just had to have needle to put some stuff in to cling to bones so they showed up clear, she was really good at it and it didnt actually hurt, woohoo, actually i was told to wiggle my toes to take my mind of it, but i was trying to wiggle my toes but i had high shoes on and they were tight around toes so i was trying to wiggle them in them shoes, was kinda funny at the time

anyhow i had to go away for 2 hours to let that stuff work, then the scan itself was kinda like CT scan but this one comes up so close to your face, i had to close my eyes as it makes you feel weird, anyhow that takes 14 mins, watching the timer doesnt make it go any faster i found though lol

then after that they put me in for a full chest scan, so the machine spins around you for 14 mins, was a bit weird as well but nothing major

anyhow i was kinda glad they didnt focus on any other major body parts, as i thought if they focus too much on things then i would of worried more

so now its a matter of trying to keep busy and not think too much about the 22nd appointments, i highly doubt i would be able to find out results beforehand anyhow, i think they are sending them to my gp as well but wouldnt make much difference if i know beforehand anyhow, i keep thinking they have scheduled surgery already and i am sure they would of changed it if there was more to do?

anyhow i am going out this weekend for my birthday night bought forward and someones going away drinks, so hopefully that will go well and i can have a good night

have so much to do before the surgery date, have to try and pack up anything we arent using so its not all too much come moving time

so will be busy busy busy i guess

Forgot to add, i did ring cancer council after last post, she was nice, but maybe gave me a little bit too much info to obsess over! found out i have to have radiotherapy over and hour away, that sucks, but since then i have found that they pay for your petrol and help with parking costs, so i guess its not so bad, long journey for a short treatment though, but i guess its a break from kids everyday for 3 -4 hours for about 5 or so weeks, will be quiet in car lol