Done with chemo forever!!!

Havent posted in ages, just wanted to get it all done i think!

Well chemo was a nightmare but it's finally over, January 8th was a great day!!

I thought i would be really excited about it but i was just too tired and drained to care in the end, so i just had a quiet time afterwards, i am still a bit down and drained really, i am physically on the improve after the last batch but mentally i am exhausted!

I think the nurses were glad to see the back of me with my screaming and carrying on anyhow, so hopefully they all wished and prayed never to see me again, because i never want to see them again! well not in that room anyhow!

Taxol was slightly better than the a/c mix, i had terrible bones aches that lasted a few days, and a few other things but all up it was a different sort of shit really to the first one, not better or worse just different

I ended up losing some of my eyebrows and eyelashes but not all, so not enough for it to stand out heaps, as i have fair skin and lighter hair it wasnt that noticeable anyhow i dont think

I am now waiting for my hair to start growing back! i have strands here and there that seem to be staying but nothing at the roots of the hair yet, i just hope it grows fast! i am so over wigs and caps, i got hot flushes with taxol and its horrible, you feel like your internally burning up and with the wig or cap on its even worse, but i just couldnt go bald and still cant! although i found i was ripping the caps off while i was asleep then would wake up in a panic looking for it to put back on! sleep was crap too and still is! i am up until 4 am most days, so that is draining me as well

I went for my first radiotherapy appointment last week, he said i would get the stuff all set up on the 29th and then start probably mid feb, i am so glad for the break but at the same time i am a bit concerned re the break, but he said as long as its done within 8 week of chemo its ok, so i guess he knows what he is talking about

I dont know what to do with myself though, i am still getting body aches and stomach is still sore but generally i am feeling ok, so for the first time in ages i am at a loss as to what to do with myself, i can actually make plans!

My thoughts are in a dark place re the future though, i guess you have to contemplate the thought it might return, i try not to dwell there but i think with just being so damn tired and drained it puts you in that downer frame of mind, i used to look at my kids daily and i was always thankful for my health and theirs and now i look at them and think will i see you grow up? it sucks that this changed everything so much!

I am still thankful for things though, all the people who have been there no matter what, for my family who just dropped their life completely to support me through this, i am so lucky for that!

anyhow onwards and upwards from here i guess :)