Late night ramblings

Have been doing ok, stress levels are rising slowly with Tuesday coming up fast, i am running out of patience with the kids and was even a bit snappy to my Mum on the phone tonight

I am still using every possible positive thought i can find to get me through it, but that tiny niggle is still there, what if i am horridly sick for 15 weeks? But mostly my positive thoughts win out and i override it

I heard my husband on the phone the other morning with my aunty and he told her that i started chemo on tuesday and that it took ten minutes etc, i said to him thats radiotherapy not chemo! I think he has no idea at all, might print him out some stuff to read i think, he is starting to slide back to his usual self again. I do give him credit for the effort her put in though, i was shocked it lasted so long, but he needs to slide right back into the effort making ASAP! if he is adding stress to my life instead of helping with it then he may as well not be here

My eldest DS thinks i already had chemo, god i wish!!

My 3 year old DS said that chemo sounds the same as nemo the fish lol

My nearly 2 year old DS has no opinion on it, besides saying sore sore and titches occasionally and trying to rip my top down to look at the stitches that are no longer there

My 3 year old DS had a stomach bug tonight and keeps vomiting and crying and moaning, poor kid! bit worried as i really cant pick anything up pre chemo or they will put it off and i really don't want that to happen, even though i dont want to go at all of course

They randomise me tomorrow for the clincal trial stuff, the computer will tell them if i get the drug or not, they might ring and tell me or i will find out Tuesday, i have decided to just go with whatever happens with it, i am sick of thinking about it, i will leave it in the computers hands

My eldest DS and someone were having a conversation the other day about the after life and what they believed, he was quiet informed for a ten year old but it got me to thinking, i am not a great believer in anything religious, but i believe in other types of things, i don't believe in afterlife really, i think once your done your done, i don't really know enough about religions to know what types support my thinking on the end is the end though, might look it up

anyhow i guess i should go finish the housework that got put off to do all the sick washing instead then try and sleep, i kept one sleeping tablet for tomorrow night as i don't think i will sleep otherwise

i have my parents arriving tomorrow so might not post again until after chemo, i so hope i am not out for too long if at all, positive thoughts all the way!!! calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean