Just an overtired rambling post

I have read so much tonight on the type of cancer i have, it's all so damn touch and go no matter how you look at it, any type has a good story vs bad story, so you can't win really, well you can win, i mean re the reading of it all

As for the trial thing i mentioned in previous post, the girl was saying that its a 50/50 chance you could be on the trial, so whether that means you get a fake vs real or just aren't right for it i don't know, guess i will find out monday

I woke up yesterday morning i think it was, i was drowning in my sleep, was scary waking up gasping for breath, but it is how i feel, like i am drowning, it's just all so horrid

When that girl called today i just wanted everyone around me to dissapear, i always feel so numb and just so edgy after calls and appointments that i just want everyone to go away and leave me the hell alone, not that they even do anything, i just feel so smothered surrounded by them all, if i wasnt on pain killers for the stupid headache i had i would of got in my car and just drove around, i do that a lot lately, say i am going to shops and just drive around the neighbourhood for awhile first to just get the hell away

I was looking at my kids tonight and thinking of all the what if's, my nearly 2 year old was going mum mum and i was thinking, imagine not having your Mum around, it would suck, i am thankful i don't know what that feels like at all and i hope my kids never know that feeling either

Anyhow i will feel better about it again tomorrow or later today i should say, i usually do, just have to have to do this downer shit first then i pick myself back up again

Eventually i think it will get better, no matter what the outcome, at some point i just hope you can accept that you can't control it, well i guess at some point you have too

anyhow hopefully i didnt put you to sleep with that crap, something i should be doing myself!!

later