Surgeons appointment

Well yesterday i had pre admission clinic and that was so friggin mind numbing, i was there for 4 hours! even though i done it all just 4 weeks ago i had to do it again, so surgery is 1st of September as planned
As for the morphine, i mentioned it again and me being allergic, he said oh i will note it again, like that helped last time!!

went to surgeons appointment today, doctor come in and said hi to me and said surgeon would be along shortly
for weeks they have been telling me that they needed to get more cells as margins were not big enough surrounding tumour and they wanted more, was prepared for that

he comes in and says he will cut the scar out, as in the whole section of skin and cells and that my breast would probably drop down and look completely different than it does now, then he said was i happy with that, i said well i dont have a choice! he said well you do, you could just have a mascetomy, mmm yeah great fucking choice, deformed breast or no breast, who the hell wants to make that decision!! then he said i would just stay the day for the surgery, which didnt really bother me, no friggin snoring patients suits me fine!!
But after i left i freaked out, it was so much more major than they had said to me earlier, my gp who is mates with the surgeon had said to me surgeon was not worried at all that cancer was in further cells that they would take out, but then today he said it was really close and it could be, so fuck knows!

anyhow i left in a bit of a daze, wasnt expecting any of that, i freaked out a bit and ranted and raved to someone on msn and decided to ring the breast care nurse at hospital to see if i had a mascetomy would i still have to have chemo etc, she said due to the type i have which is estrogen negative,(i thought it was positive, but anyhow), that i would have chemo regardless of what op i had and she explained things a bit better to me so i felt a bit better about things, well as better as you can feel

so now back to the waiting game, operation on monday, waiting on pathology and hoping its all clear and then on to the next part i guess

I am not worried about them taking more breast really as i want to live as my first option and i can wear tops and noone can tell, but a mascetomy is a whole other ball game, i keep thinking of how hot it is here and having to wear fuller tops to cover it all up, hope i dont have to worry about it anyhow

as for all the sick people, they are finally better, thankgod!!

applied for a couple of houses to move to over last couple of days, should hear about one tomorrow, really just dont care about it at all though, so much else to think about

on a positive note my doc gave me some sleeping pills that actually work!! so i am sleeping properly, once i get a few nights of good sleep i will feel a bit more with it as well i would presume

On better news i recieved a parcel of goodies from an online friend the other day, so thankyou for that :)

I don't think anyone that sends me cards and gifts and just listens to me realises how much that means, it keeps me upright and going forward, i dont know what i would do without you all really, so thankyou again for just being there :) I dont really talk to anyone in real life about it, i do re the medical stuff but not the this is how i feel right now, so its a wonderful thing i have where i can just get online and pour it all out and people listen and care

After every appointment i walk away so drained, so its great to come back online and pick myself back up

anyhow until next time