The beginning

I found a lump about 4 weeks ago, was about the size of the biggest marbles in a pack of them, got husband to feel it and he could feel it straight away, was worried

Went to docs about a week and a half later, he then organized a breast ultrasound

I went for that the next week, at the scan the woman kept asking me if i had been sick or lost a lot of weight, she asked me a few times, she was worrying me! She went to get doc and he come and had a look as well, he said he didn't know what it was and that they wanted me to have a mammogram, so they organized that and i had that about half an hour later, didnt really hurt, well only once for seconds on one part of it, wasn't bad at all really

They said they wanted to organize i FNA (fine needle biopsy), they were adamant i come back the next day, again a bit of a worry! So after a nervous night of feeling sick and scared about what would happen with this test, it wasn't as bad as i had thought, bit of pain and uncomfortable but a few stings with local anesthetic was probably the worst part, ended up finding out that i was having a core biopsy which is an incision and a huge arse needle! But i didn't feel it after the local kicked in

I made the mistake of looking and seen his little scalpel, i went 'What did you show me that for', he said 'well you looked', was amusing at the time

anyhow they took two lots of tissue out of breast lump and done FNA on my lymph nodes as they had found stuff there as well in scan

So now the waiting began!! It was horrible, i went on a Friday and had to wait till following Tuesday for results, i knew the odds were good due to my age being 35 and having no health problems or previous drama's

I over thought it all of course and did realise it could happen to me but hoped it didn't

Tuesday at 2.30pm i walked into doc's room, i knew then something wasn't good, he usually says how have you been, he didn't this time

He said 'It's not good news i am afraid, it's breast cancer' then went on to say, this does not mean a death sentence at all and went on to talk about celebrities that are prominent on the news at the moment

I held it together pretty well, i was in shock!!! we talked about different tests and he organized urgent referral to see surgeons at hospital

I got in the car and the minute i had driven away i started sobbing my heart out and i couldn't stop, i made the mistake of taking my 3 year old son with me, he was a great distraction for me in the doc's office but he didn't understand what i was doing, he kept saying 'why are you crying Mum? I can't see your face Mum?' It was crap but i couldn't stop anyhow

I got home and rang DH and said its not good news and broke down again, so he raced home from work, he was upset and shocked, well probably everything i was

Told my Mum and she broke down of course, it all sucked!!! badly!!

I am 35 years old and i have fucking cancer, it's not right, it's not fair, it sucks!!!

So i cried pretty well much up until i went to bed, i was online updating people and forums etc, i guess i kept my mind busy but i kept having to wander off and cry again

Australia's next top model finale was on the same night, and when the winner was announced her face had an expression i could so relate too, she just couldn't believe it was happening to her, i felt exactly the same but for very different reasons

I mainly sms'ed friends, i couldn't talk to anyone at that point, couldn't not cry once i said the word cancer

I got such overwhelming support from family, friends and all the people in my online world, it was the worst day of my life but knowing that so many gave a shit and cared really helped me to just grieve for that one day and night

I haven't cried since, i have been down and overthinking it so much i have made myself sick but i have kept pretty positive most of the time, i am sure thats all normal

I am petrified they will find more elsewhere, i know it doesn't mean the end but it sure won't help my frame of mind!!

I have 3 boys who are 10, 3 and 1, i just can't be dying anytime soon, they need me!!

I know that i will never have kids again as well, even if i could after it all i dont think i ever would as i would be terrified it would come back while i was pregnant, my current kids need me more anyhow, but it's truly awful to think your done, even if you kinda were anyhow, facing the fact that you don't have a choice now anyhow, your family is done

On a positive spin i am so thankful that i do have 3 healthy children, they will keep me sane and busy, i need them more than they need me right now

I know everyone around me feels so helpless and wonder what they can do, there is nothing they can do, not at this point anyhow, just being there is all they can do, and everyone has been doing more than their fair share of that, i am so grateful, overwhelmed and thankful that i have such great people around me

I have an appointment on Tuesday with surgeon and it feels like forever away!! driving me mad, i just want to deal with it now and get the hell over it, but at the same time i want to just wake up and realise it was all just a nightmare!!!