A tiring weekend!

Ended up bringing my birthday a week forward and ended up having a huge weekend, so glad i didnt do it next weekend pre surgery, so will just have a quiet night for my birthday

Got more gifts again today, still can't believe it when i get stuff, its so lovely that people all over Australia are still thinking of me each day

I have been worried about tomorrow's sugeons appointment, but trying not to think about it too much, i have been ok over weekend due to drinking or being hungover lol, but today my stomach has that scared sinking feeling, starting to worry now its closer

I am so hoping that its only in them two spots, actually i am relying on it very heavily, i don't know how i will cope if there is more somewhere else, my mind can only take so much of this shit!

overall i am good though, at least i am only freaking out mostly the day before stuff, i am trying very hard not to obsess over it, but i think i will tonight as it becomes even closer

Keep thinking this time next week i will be in hospital recovering from the op and then the rest begins

Seems like it was a few years ago when i last seen surgeon, it was only 2 weeks ago, time has gone all weird on me

I am pretty bitter about the chance that i will never have kids again, can't really let that go, i know what i have, but i am just angry that my choice may get taken away for good, its not fair at all! Even if i was not having anymore, at least in the back of my mind i usually would know that well if i changed my mind that option is there, anyhow i will ask them more about what will happen tomorrow re that, i will probably freak husband out, but too bad, its my body not his that its happening too

Things going through my mind lately are:

Is having all this after treament (ie Chemo etc) an overkill?
If they get clear margins then why do i need to go through it all?
What would happen if i didnt have further treatment?
Would it come back more agressively?

At the end of the day i will do it all, but i have to think about it all and ask the questions why? it makes me feel more empowered about what is happening if i have all the information telling me why i should do this or that

I was reading a study last night, it said they studied so many woman for 5 years and those who ate a good diet full of fruit and vegetables had a much lower rate of reoccurance, so i am thinking a whole diet change sure can't hurt

I still won't accept that this was sent me to make stronger or wake me up or whatever, fuck that i say, i was happy being me, was grateful every morning when i opened my eyes for my family and its health, so its bullshit really!